Damaged
by obsessed1
Summary: When Sheppard and his team go offworld, things don’t go to plan and Sheppard gets beaten, tied to tree and nearly killed by his teammates.
1. Chapter 1

Rating: PG

Season: Season Three

Summary:_ When Sheppard and his team go off-world, things don't go to plan and Sheppard gets beaten, tied to tree and nearly killed by his team-mates._

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Major Lorne and his team stumbled down the embankment towards Sheppard's team.

As he made his frantic decent, he was already turning over scenarios in his mind.

_What had happened__ to them? How long had they been like that? Why had it taken them so long to get back to the gate?_

Lorne had been even more confused when he had found Ronon, Teyla and McKay just sitting motionless while Colonel Sheppard laid beside the river, soaked through, completely still and appearing for all the world as if he were dead.

"What the hell…?" Lorne asked as he made his way over to his CO and tried to find a pulse.

There was no flutter beneath his fingertips. Sheppard wasn't breathing and his skin was ice cold to the touch.

"Shit!" Lorne turned to one of his marines and ushered him over, "He's not breathing, start CPR."

Lorne watched for a few seconds, completely absorbed in the stillness of his Commander. He had to physically shake his head to drag himself back into reality.

"How long has he been lying there?" Lorne shouted to Sheppard's team-mates.

There was no answer.

Lorne's mind was working overtime. _Were they in shock?_

"How long?"

_Maybe he had fallen?_ Of course, that had been Lorne's first instinct but there was something about the secretive looks that his team members were sharing and their absolute inertia in helping their fallen leader that was making him doubt it. Something was off alright, because to all intents and purposes, it looked as though they were willing to let Sheppard die.

Lorne couldn't wait any longer, panic was nipping at his heels and he turned back to the marine to check his progress. He was still pumping away at Sheppard's chest.

"Gray, come and help!"

Sheppard was covered in cuts and bruises and his gear……..it was all gone and _yet_ the others still had there's.

Lorne felt a tightening in his gut at the implications.

"Doctor McKay?" he called out over the low rumble of thunder above and waited for a response. _Anything_, to confirm that the scientist hadn't completed lost it.

McKay was frozen in place, unable or reluctant to speak.

Lorne threw a look back over his shoulder, his treacherous eyes seeking out the downed body in the growing deluge, and cleared his throat, "Anything?"

Gray shook his head and continued to pump at Sheppard's chest with increased vigour.

"Keep trying!" Lorne amended.

_What else was there to say?_

"What happened?"

Nothing.

Ronon was crouched low on the floor with his hand hovering over his weapon, Teyla was standing awkwardly, her tanned features flushed red with fever and Doctor McKay was sitting in the mud and staring at his hands.

"Why didn't you help him?" Lorne could feel his anger swelling with every vacant response.

They knew what had happened. He _knew_ it.

McKay looked up, opened his mouth as if he were going to say something, and then promptly clamped it shut again.

Lorne didn't know what the hell had happened here. All he knew was that eight hours ago Colonel Sheppard was radioing Atlantis and telling them that something was wrong. And now _that_ same man was lying prostrate on the ground, arms outstretched with his lips turning blue.

The two marines resumed their compressions.

**TBC…………….**


	2. Chapter 2

_Earlier:_

Their off-world mission had initially been a bust. There had been no life signs. _Nothing_. The planet had seemed completely deserted.

It was only when they were leaving did McKay happen to see a spike on his scanner, got all excited and trundled off in the direction of the reading. He would have blithely walked off the edge of a cliff; if Sheppard hadn't grabbed him by his elbow and set him in a safer direction.

They had stumbled across some kind of lab, the lights were off but still there was some ominous reading that Mckay just _had_ to check out. That was _always_ a bad sign.

Sheppard had told him that they could come back tomorrow when it was lighter and he wasn't starving, but McKay wouldn't listen and as usual just brushed him off with an irreverent flick of his hand and a caustic remark.

They had remained in the lab for hours with Mckay idly switching things on and off, hooking his portable laptop up to various consoles and scrolling through his data pad, while they all followed asking what the hell had him so excited. Just before their check-in, Sheppard had finally snapped and told them that it was time to go. He'd walked off expecting the rest of his team to follow but it was just at the moment that McKay decided to activate something.

Sheppard took a step backwards to avoid the plummeting door and found himself stranded on the outside of the lab with Teyla, Ronon and Mckay on the inside.

An hour ago it had been a mild inconvenience, if not a little funny. _Now_, it was just damn right problematic and Sheppard was facing the very real possibility of going back to the gate. He didn't relish the idea of explaining that he was alone because McKay had managed to get the rest of his team stuck in a room and he couldn't figure out how to get back out. It was laughable really. A genius like McKay being foiled by a door.

"You know, if you don't figure this out within the next hour, I _will_ leave you here," Sheppard chided as he activated his earpiece.

By now it wasn't a false threat. There was a limit to how many times you could pace back and forth in a confined space.

"_This isn't my fault!"_ The tinny reply came over the radio and Sheppard had to smile. Nothing was _ever_ McKay's fault.

"_McKay, if you don't get __us out of here, I'm going to blast through that door."_

Sheppard smiled and wondered if Ronon actually had the right idea. A bit of C4 and they would be out in no time. Just in time for meatloaf and jello.

"You know-"

"_No!"_ McKay replied irritably, "_The answer to this problem does not involve blowing things up."_

"_Ronon, I am sure Doctor McKay will get us out of here."_

"_Doctor McKay is taking too long."_

"_Doctor McKay is in the room with you! Look, I enjoy being trapped in a tiny oxygen deprived room as much as the next person, in fact, I did this on purpose because I love to test just how claustrophobic I am." _

"You're running out of options," Sheppard said to the door and pressed his hands against it, testing its steely resistance.

"_Look, I'll get it opened up; it might just take a while."_

"You're going to starve in there."

Okay, he was taunting. He taunted when he was bored.

Sheppard dug into his TAC vest and pulled out a power bar.

"_Stop being so melodrama__t-hey, why? Do you have food?"_

"Oh, only a chocolate flavoured power bar," Sheppard pushed the bar back into his vest.

Well, if food wasn't going to motivate McKay, then nothing was.

"_How did you get one of the chocolate ones?"_

Sheppard rolled his eyes, leaned against the door and dropped his head back with a dull thud.

"_I always end up with the citrus ones……..how many times do you have to remind people that you're deathly allergic to something before they get it into their thick-"_

"The _door_, Rodney."

"_I'm working as fast as I can."_

"Teyla, Ronon, how are you guys doing?"

He could just see it now. Ronon prowling the other side of the door like a caged animal, his fingers flexed over his pulse blaster and wanting nothing more than to blow a hole to freedom and Teyla, patiently watching McKay and trying to dissolve any tension.

"_We are fine John,"_ Teyla radiated calm.

"_No, we are not!"_ Ronon did not.

"_Everything's-"_McKay's voice was cut off and Sheppard saw a burst of light strafe out from under the door that nearly blinded him.

"Rodney?!" Sheppard called out as he used the heel of his hand to rub his dazzled eyes.

There was no answer.

"McKay! What the _hell_ was that?"

He was feeling helpless and all he could do was switch his grip on his P90 and kick the door in frustration.

"McKay! Teyla? Ronon!"

There was a beat and then-

"_I'm here."_

Sheppard let go of the breath he didn't realise he was holding, "What _was_ that?"

"_Nothing. I just……I just shorted something."_

"Shorted something? Rodney, what did you do?"

"_Why do you always assume it's me?__"_

"Because it's usually me and as I'm not in there with you I'm going to go with my second guess, which is you!"

"_I didn't touch anything in fact-"_

"Okay, that's it, stand back." Sheppard had had enough. "I'm going to blow this damn door-"

"_Sheppard. I was trying to tell you-"_

Sheppard was tearing through his tactical vest and pulling out a wad of C4 when the gate slid upwards and revealed the rest of his team.

"-that I've figured out how to open the door."

------------------

Sheppard took point as they ventured back towards the gate. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was an eerie quality to the air as he walked. Something just didn't _feel_ quite right. He had never known a gut feeling to be wrong.

He found his finger tensing on the trigger of his P90. _No_. It was nothing about their surroundings. He didn't sense anyone lurking in the trees or darts in the air. Anyway, Ronon would have told him if they were being followed and Teyla would have sensed a wraith presence. _No_. It was something else that concerned him and he didn't want to believe it.

It was his team.

Ever since they had left the confines of the lab they had been……….quiet, especially McKay who hadn't uttered a single word from the time when they set off. It was just weird. McKay always had something to gripe about, _"It's too hot,", "How much further?", "Your hair defies gravity! What the hell are you putting in it?"._

Sheppard almost missed McKay's ranting diatribe. At least it would have filled the vacuous space of their silence.

He'd figured that their silence was down to exhaustion but not one of them had said a single word and that just weirded Sheppard out.

There was palpable tension in the air that only he seemed to feel. The quiet was killing him. All he could hear was the crunching of gravel underfoot and the wind in the trees and his own heart beat resonating in his ears. Something was wrong. It was too quiet.

Sheppard finally stopped and turned on his heel, "Okay, what?" he spread his arms out and waved them as if an explanation might get tangled in his expressive fingers.

McKay, who was looking distinctly….._different_, narrowed his eyes, "What, What?"

Sheppard licked his lips and tried to push down an escalating sense of frustration, "The quiet."

McKay's face remained neutral for a moment, as if he were digesting what Sheppard had said, and then his mouth stretched into a smile and he followed it up with a short sharp laugh.

Sheppard sighed tiredly and felt as if he had just missed the punch line, "What?"

McKay shared a glance with Ronon and Teyla and they too began to laugh.

Sheppard dropped his hands to his sides and wondered what the big joke was.

He could feel 'it', whatever 'it' was, even more now as they shared secretive looks and as Ronon patted McKay on the back. Ronon patting McKay on the back was about as likely as Caldwell and Hermiod eloping.

There was a sense of unease that was unmistakeable. Sheppard surreptitiously looked at the others as they quelled their manic laughter and noticed that all of them seemed to be flushed red and covered in a light sheen of sweat.

Realisation dawned.

"Oh no," Sheppard scrubbed a hand through his hair and took a step back, "You guys are sick."

"I feel just fine," Ronon stated flatly as he crossed his arms.

"Me too," Teyla added.

Sheppard clipped his P90 onto his vest and stalked over to McKay. The hand he went to place on Rodney's forehead was batted away.

"I'm fine," McKay muttered irritably.

Sheppard felt his mouth drop open, Okay, so that was new. McKay was a complete hypochondriac. Admitting he was fine when he plainly wasn't just served to fuel Sheppard's suspicions that something was up.

"Rodney, you're burning up. You're _not_ fine."

McKay wiped his forehead with the back of his hand, "_This_ is from walking."

"Right," Sheppard nodded as he tried to calculate how long it would take them to get back to the gate.

"Maybe _you're_ sick," McKay retorted like a petulant child.

Sheppard snorted loudly, "Yeah, right. Now _you're_ delusional. How did this happen?"

"Sheppard, we are fine," Teyla mollified.

"Okay, guys, we need to pick up our pace and get back to the gate."

He unclipped his P90 and secured it back into a comfortable position, all the while watching his team member's expressions.

"Can you make it?"

More eye rolls, more sarcasm.

"Fine," Sheppard said waving his hand dismissively, "Lets get back, so Carson can take a look at you."

Nobody seemed to be following him.

He sighed again, the burden of command was feeling particularly heavy that day, "Are you coming?"

Ronon nodded and gestured with his hand, "After you."

Sheppard had only taken a few steps when something cracked into the back of his head.  
His mind was slow to process what exactly was happening to him and before he knew it, he was crashing down to the mud in a mess of tangled limbs watching helplessly as his P90 skittered off and out of reach.

Stars blinded him and nausea roiled his stomach as he tried to coordinate his movements into some form of attack. He managed to get up onto one elbow and was reaching down for the 9.mil in his calf holster when a familiar large boot crushed into his fingers and ground them down and into the mud.  
Sheppard bit his lip, cursed and tried to get his head up to look for the others.  
The pressure was released from his hand and he flexed his fingers to find that one was obviously dislocated and was definitely going to hurt like a bitch when his adrenaline wore down.  
He was just about to make another escape attempt when he turned and caught a glimpse of what looked to be Ronon smiling sadistically down at him.  
Ronon's voice sounded distant when he finally spoke but Sheppard didn't miss the words, "Night Sheppard," before he felt something slam in to the back of his head again.

TBC………………………..


	3. Chapter 3

Sheppard came to consciousness slowly and with him a pounding headache surfaced. He cautiously opened his eyes and as they adjusted to the light he tried to assess his injuries and work out what the hell had just happened to him.

First off, his head hurt. He was probably looking at a concussion which meant he'd have a headache for some time and would probably end up _throwing_ up at some point.

He raised his hand and realised that he was tied up. _Great_. His finger, although he couldn't see it, was throbbing incessantly and he clearly remembered the sensation as it dislocated. _That_ boot. It had seemed familiar to him. _Where though?_ Anyway, back to his injuries. He could feel something warm and wet running down the side of his face, _blood_, and his chest felt severely bruised. He'd blacked out pretty quickly so whoever had him tied up had beaten on him while he was out for the count. That much was obvious. Painfully obvious.

With his eyes now more focused and his nausea pushed back to more manageable levels, Sheppard could see that he was sitting on the ground, his legs outstretched before him and his arms tied behind his back. He was sitting up against a tree in the middle of a forest and as he squirmed, he realised that he couldn't feel the knife in his rear holster and all of his weapons had been removed.

_Unarmed, tied up, beaten up – the usual then_, Sheppard mused.

He scanned his surroundings, struggling with his bindings and all the while trying to convince himself that what had happened earlier hadn't in fact happened.

_Those boots?_ He really didn't want them to belong to Ronon.

When he heard the others behind him, he knew it to be true.

"Aw……crap."

He'd been jumped by his _own_ team.

The only explanation that he was going to believe was that they were sick; they didn't know what they were doing and in some delusional frame of mind had perceived Sheppard as a threat. It _had_ to have something to do with that room they got trapped in. Sheppard had only been in there for an hour or so, he hadn't been exposed to whatever it was that Rodney had evidently _shorted_, and they had. It was the only explanation.

Either that or they all _really_ hated him.

Sheppard tried to twist in his restraints but stopped when he felt a strong hand plant down onto his shoulder and give it a hard squeeze.

Something twinged and Sheppard mentally added it to his injury list.

He sucked in a deep breath, prepared himself and then resolutely met Ronon's eyes.

Ronon looked imposing as hell. He was crossing his arms, biceps bulging under his shirt and his eyes seemed cold and dead. It reminded Sheppard of when they had first met. Only then, Sheppard hadn't known what Ronon could do to make grown men cry before that.

"How are you feeling?" Teyla walked into his line of sight and stood next to Ronon, her eyes soft, her mouth curved into a smile. She almost sounded concerned. _Almost_.

Sheppard licked his lips, could taste blood, and spat it out onto the mud beside him before answering, "I've been better Teyla. Hey, how about you untie me now?"

He tried for a smile, but Teyla saw through him and laughed quietly as if they had just shared a joke.

"Nice try John."

"I thought so," Sheppard admitted, "Look, there's something wrong with you. We need to get you back to Atlantis."

He tried to appeal to a latent rational side.

Ronon pulled out a knife from a hidden sheath and started to twist it in his hands. Sheppard knew the kind of precision Ronon had with those things. He unconsciously closed his legs and pulled his knees up.

"We're fine. You're the one that's going to need help."

McKay appeared in his sights and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Absolutely."

McKay had never been a particularly arresting figure but right now, the way that he was talking and the crazy look in his eyes, was bone chillingly creepy.

"Especially if you try and get it first,"

_Get what first?_ Oh god, they really were delusional. Sheppard felt as if he had been caught up in a nightmare. His team had seriously gone nuts.

"I don't know what you're talking about Rodney. Just……..untie me and we'll go home." _And never mention this again,_ he mentally added.

"He's lying," Ronon alleged.

"He wants it." Teyla was pacing, her fingers twisting and her body tense.

McKay simply nodded.

"I don't know what 'it' is."

"Oh, he _knows_."

"Fine, Rodney, you can have it. Whatever 'it' is, is yours. I don't want it."

Sheppard shifted where he sat and felt the distant pull in his abused side. His hand brushed against the rough trunk of the tree and he grunted as pain seared up through his arm and into his shoulder. He sucked in a breath and found his team members watching him.

"I think you broke my finger," Sheppard muttered.

The whole situation was ridiculous. He half expected the others to turn around and say it was all one big joke but then he hardly thought beating the crap out of him would be part of their humorous plan. Yeah, he could just see it_. "We had to break your finger to make it believable_" The pain that was strafing through his body was _undeniably_ believable.

"You shouldn't have struggled," McKay said and sat on an outcrop of rock opposite him.

Teyla was all tense and jittery and McKay was…..serenely calm. He'd never seen the scientist look so relaxed.

"I _thought_ we were under attack. I was trying to get up so I could protect _you_ guys."

"We don't _need_ protecting."

"I can see that," Sheppard shifted again, "What happened in that room?"

Teyla shared a glance with Ronon and Mckay but didn't say anything. So, they had _seen_ something.

"What did you see?" Sheppard enunciated slowly and waited for an answer but they were still being evasive and Sheppard's patience was wearing thin.

"We didn't _see_ anything," McKay answered.

_There_ was an element of Rodney he recognised. He always had been a crappy liar at the best of times.

"Right…okay, so you didn't _see_ anything, _fine_," Sheppard tried to pull his hands out of his restraints again and continued to distract them with talk, "But you're not well. Come on guys. You just beat me up and tied me to a tree."

Teyla crouched down beside Sheppard and feigned a shocked expression.

"Yes, we did."

Teyla's voice was packed with spite and her expression was devoid of emotion, it was all heartbreakingly uncharacteristic of her. Sheppard had always been able to rely on Teyla for compassion and understanding. She was strong willed and she cared; it was why he had formed a close bond with her. It was why he had chosen her for his team.

He had outright admitted once that he felt close to his team members, and it was frustratingly true.

"Yes _you_ did," Sheppard repeated with a smile.

He wanted to coax her back, charm her, remind her of the first time they met with simple looks, but she wasn't playing.

He tried a different tact, "But you don't have to. What do you think I'm going to do?"

"You forget Sheppard. We know what you're capable of. We _are_ members of your team," McKay sneered.

Sheppard didn't know what he meant by that. Everything he had done for them had been to protect them.

"You're right," he stated evenly, "So you should trust me."

"Sixty genii soldiers," Teyla spoke over him and continued to knead her hands together.

She had pulled that example from her mind so quickly that Sheppard started to wonder whether it was something she _did_ dwell on. Something she thought less of him for.

Sheppard tried not to react. This wasn't them. They weren't thinking straight and there was no way that they would use past incidents against him if they weren't out of their minds with fever. Still, he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"Teyla, you were there. You know why I did that. Besides, as you so rightly mentioned Rodney, you are on my team and as you might also remember I did that save you," He tried to keep his voice even.

The ropes were cutting into his wrists as he tried to pull free. He needed to get back to the gate and get help.

"And you killed the other Genii soldiers that were looking for you," Mckay agreed, ignoring what Sheppard had just said, as if they were having a completely normal conversation that didn't involve their leader being tied to a tree.

"They were _going_ to kill me!"

"There were a lot of bodies. All covered in blood. Point blank shots-" McKay shook his head wistfully, "You'll do that to us!"

Sheppard could still remember that period vividly. The Storm. He had hidden up in the rafters and used his laser sighting to pinpoint each man and-

"I would never do anything to-"

"You nearly shot Elizabeth taking Kolya out like that!" McKay reminded him.

Sure, the shot had been risky but he'd had Kolya in his sights. He would never have hit Elizabeth.

"I had to make a judgement call-"

Ronon continued the personal assault. "Kolya."

Sheppard was beginning to lose his ability to remain calm and collected. They had witnessed what Kolya had done to him. Watched him get fed on by that wraith. _No_. This wasn't them. It also reminded him why he never told anyone _anything_, because it always came back to bite you in the ass. That's why he never had real close friends and that's why he kept people at a controllable distance.

"He deserved it. And you _know_ that!"

"I know that you killed him in cold blood." McKay continued his cool demeanour slipping.

Sheppard sighed, "I'm not…..i'm not listening to this, you don't know what you're saying."

"No, you're dangerous. You can't have it so you're going to stay here." Mckay wasn't making sense, none of them were.

"Have what?"

"Very clever Colonel," McKay laughed, "That…..is why you're dangerous."

"I am _not_ dangerous."

Sheppard had to believe that. He'd done a hell of a lot of reprehensible things, killed, hurt people. He suffered the burden of command quietly. He was completely selfless and most definitely in control. He had to be. No sense in _him_ losing it. He couldn't just…._snap_. Is that what they thought? That he was unstable? A post traumatic stress case just waiting to happen?

"Hmm right, how exactly does an Air Force pilot get to be so good at fighting on the ground?" Mckay asked the question and Sheppard wondered if he really thought that. On some level he had to, otherwise where was he getting that from.

Sheppard kept his mouth shut and feigned indifference.

"It didn't help him save Holland though did it," Teyla said meeting Sheppard's gaze.

Sheppard nearly choked. He'd told her that in confidence. He never expected it to resurface, much less in front of his team.

"Holland?" Ronon was interested now.

"Sheppard tried to rescue him. Couldn't get him out. He _died_."

Sheppard felt sick. He'd tried dammit! He had gone against direct orders to rescue Holland – how was he to know that Holland had suffered internal injuries that would kill him, long before Sheppard could get him to the border?

"You don't know what happened," Sheppard defended.

"Just another body in a long _line_ of failures."

Sheppard pulled on his ropes again with as much vitriol as he could manage. It was all getting too personal and he just wanted out. He was surprised to feel a short sharp kick to his leg and looked up at Ronon.

"Quit struggling."

Sheppard relaxed and turned away as they continued.

"Let us not forget Mitch and Dex," Teyla said smiling.

They're chopper was hit by an RPG in a med evac. Sheppard had tried to help them too but it just wasn't good enough.

"Colonel Sumner, Everett….he let _all_ of them down," McKay shook his head disapprovingly.

Sheppard was having difficulty keeping his mouth shut as his friends discussed his personal life.

"Probably why his marriage failed." Ronon tossed his knife up in the air and caught it as it careened back down to earth.

Now _that_ conversation had definitely been private.

"You were married?" McKay looked truly amazed and rubbed his hands together.

"Yes," Sheppard said drawing a painful breath.

"Really? Why didn't it work out? What did you do?"

"Why do you think I did something?"

"I don't know. Figured she got bored of you being so emotionally unavailable."

Sheppard knew that was the case. He tried not to be open, he liked to keep a little of himself away. There were certain things that they didn't need to know about his life or about his job. But, he only ever did it to protect them.

"Look, just……" Sheppard's voice broke, "just …...give it a rest, okay. You'll all regret this later so….." he sighed and ceased pulling at his ropes. He was getting nowhere.

They were laughing at him. Laughing at all of his failures. Sheppard hadn't even realised that he had divulged that much about himself, but over the years, little things must have leaked out. He realised that he was closer to them all than he had initially thought. Now _that_ was dangerous.

"Colonel Sheppard would appear to have had enough," Teyla said geefully.

"Anyway, I need to go back to the lab," McKay said getting up and pulling out his LSD.

"Why?"

Sheppard noted the suspicious tone of Ronon's voice.

"_Because_ of the _thing_," McKay reiterated.

"Oh no," Teyla came in, "No, you're not going alone to steal it."

"I wouldn't."

"You once wanted to steal from children," Teyla reminded him curtly.

McKay remembered the incident that much was obvious, and he relented easily, "Fine, we'll all go."

Ronon hooked a finger back towards Sheppard and he raised his head expectantly.

"What about him?"

McKay gave Sheppard a disgusted look and sighed, "Oh, bring him along."

TBC………………….


	4. Chapter 4

Sheppard was trying to remain upright as they walked through the undergrowth. His hands were still tied tightly behind his back so his balance felt slightly off.

He'd decided to just go along with whatever his team were doing for now, keeping his head down and ignoring any stray comments that came his way.

Sheppard wasn't used to being manhandled by his own team. _Okay_, so he was used to regularly having the crap beaten out of him by Ronon and Teyla in sparring, but this situation was entirely different. Usually, they weren't trying to hurt him for the fun of it.

His boot caught under a log and he found himself falling forwards. Unable to stop his decent, he expected Ronon to grip him by the back of his shirt and pull him upright. That was usually how these things went. But, instead, Sheppard tumbled down to the ground and fell face first into mud. It wasn't the most dignified of falls.

"Get up!"

Sheppard tried to move but without his hands tied he was stuck and no amount of wriggling was going to get him back onto his feet.

"I _said_ get up,"

The kick to his side startled him and Sheppard instinctively curled inwards and tensed his muscles. What surprised him even more was that when he looked up, it was McKay who had done the kicking.

"This is getting a little out of hand don't ya think," Sheppard acknowledged as Ronon pulled him back up to his feet with little concern for any of his injuries.

"Just keep walking," Ronon gave Sheppard a prod.

Sheppard did as he was told.

He had been in situations where he had had to rely on his wits to get away, been captured and watched friends tortured That he could handle. But this? He didn't know what the best way to get out of this was. He didn't want to hurt any of them, even if they had no problem hurting him. He didn't mind that. As long as it wasn't the other way round. No, he'd have to wait for the right opportunity and take his chances, run back to the gate and call for back up.

Sheppard continued to walk, his feet still refusing to cooperate and find purchase on the slippy leaves and when he nearly went down a second time it was Teyla that was grabbing him by the elbow and helping him back up.

"Thanks."

"You're slowing us down," she said, her voice for the first time softening slightly.

She wiped a hand across her forehead and panted as she walked, her lithe body moving stiffly.

"You're sick Teyla."

She shot him an edgy look and blew her fringe out of her eyes, "I am fine."

"You have a fever."

Teyla gripped Sheppard's arm and guided him around a fallen log, "Colonel. _John_. I feel perfectly well. I fear it is _you_ who is unwell."

Teyla for all of her insistence, was not in good health. Her uniform was soaked through with sweat and clinging to her body as she moved.

Sheppard licked his cut lip, "What did you see in that lab?"

Teyla fanned her t-shirt as she walked; rivulets of sweat ran down her neck and the side of her face, "We saw nothing."

"I know you saw _something_," Sheppard stumbled again and found his footing, "Why are we going back to that lab?"

"We should have left you tied up back there."

"Why didn't you?"

"Because you'd get away," she forced a smile.

"Damn right I would."

"Look……." Teyla wiped her face and stopped suddenly, her face turning pale as she stooped over and swallowed.

"What's wrong?" Sheppard cursed his bindings and wished he could offer her more support.

"Nothing," Teyla straightened up, "I am simply ………….tired."

"Ronon, McKay!" Sheppard called out as he watched Teyla pant dizzily.

"What is it?" Ronon asked as he walked, but didn't turn around.

"Teyla's not looking too good."

Teyla reached out to Sheppard's arm and gave it a hard squeeze, "Colonel."

"We need to get you help or…….at least take something from the med kit."

"I will be fine once we have done what needs to be done."

She walked on and left Sheppard standing alone.

"Come on," McKay called out and lifted his head from the scanner to see Sheppard unmoving.

"I've had enough of this guys," Sheppard stated and knelt down on the ground.

"Get up!" McKay stalked over to him and gave his leg a tentative kick.

They had been walking for hours and Sheppard's head felt like it was about to explode.

"We need to keep moving."

"No, _you_ need to keep moving. I need to sit here."

"What's wrong?" McKay sounded mildly annoyed as he impatiently tapped his foot.

"Oh I don't know. Somebody knocked me out earlier and I have this little headache."

"A headache never stopped you before."

Sheppard just raised his eyebrows in response.

"I know you Sheppard. You're stalling."

"I don't _feel_ well," Sheppard stated firmly. And McKay was right. He _was_ stalling.

"You've been a lot worse off and managed to get back through the gate."

McKay sighed and dropped down beside him, "You need to get up."

Sheppard shook his head slowly, "Give me some water and I'll get up."

McKay glanced back to Ronon and Teyla. Ronon had his hand resting on Teyla's shoulder, steadying her and talking to her in a low voice.

For now, their attention was diverted.

McKay wrestled with his backpack and retrieved the water, "You'll drink this and then you'll get up?"

Sheppard nodded, "I promise."

McKay regarded him with narrowed eyes and then turned back to the others.

"They're going to take it away from me, I know it."

"Take what?" Sheppard asked as he twisted around and indicated to his bindings, "Can't drink if I'm tied up."

McKay was seemingly distracted, "It's powerful," he said as he began to untie Sheppard.

Sheppard didn't want to point out that he could have just fed him the water.

"Powerful?"

"Very…but they're stronger than me. I think they'll try and steal it from me and I'm the only one who knows what to do with it."

"'It' sounds great." Sheppard rubbed his wrists.

"It is," McKay beamed.

Sheppard reached for the canister, took a long swig and focused on Mckay's side arm. It was within reach and all he had to do was-

A strong hand gripped his wrist as he moved and wrenched it behind his back.

"I don't think so!" Ronon bellowed into his ear.

Sheppard dropped the canister and coiled over as something in his side flared up.

"McKay, what were you doing?"

McKay scrambled up onto his feet and placed his hands out, "I was just…..he said he wouldn't go on unless he had some water."

Sheppard struggled as he listened to their conversation.

"And you had to untie him?" Teyla asked.

"I………."

"You know what he is capable of and you willingly untie him?"

"I was just trying to help……it wouldn't have helped any of us if he had just sat here,"

"I would have made him move."

Sheppard had no doubt Ronon would have.

"Sheppard is an idiot but he's not stupid."

"No McKay, you're the idiot…now pick up the rope and get him tied back up."

Sheppard was seeing stars in his vision and his stomach was beginning to roll ominously. He felt as though he was going to be sick and fought to suppress his gag reflex.

"Ronon," Sheppard gritted through his teeth as the pain became unbearable, "Let me-"

"Let you go?"

It was time to act. They all needed help.

Without another thought, Sheppard twisted out of Ronon's grip and moved his leg around to sweep Ronon off balance.

Ronon let out a curse and folded down onto the ground, clutching his knee as Sheppard untangled himself from his clutch.

Sheppard moved forwards, grabbed McKay's 9mil and took a step backwards. Ronon was quick, jabbing at him and catching him in the jaw with his fist. Sheppard's vision started to grey as he took a step back towards the hilly incline behind him. He nearly toppled backwards. It was a long drop. It was going to hurt.

He cocked the weapon, not intending to use it, and watched as Ronon pulled his own weapon out of his holster.

"Stop right there Sheppard!" Ronon's voice was filled with fury.

Sheppard understood how the Satedan's enemies felt now right before they died at his hands.

"Ronon, you're not going to shoot me."

Ronon fired a shot over his shoulder and took a chunk out of tree.

Sheppard flinched, "Okay, so you are going to shoot me."

"Put the gun down!" McKay ordered in a voice that was near hysterical.

Sheppard looked at his 9.mil and then at Ronon's weapon. They were no match. If Ronon got one shot off at him at this range then he wouldn't stand a chance.

"You _need_ help!"

Sheppard did the only thing he could and threw himself down the hill.

He seemed to fall forever, clunking over bits of tree and rocks, banging his head, scraping his arm, catching his t-shirt in the brush; time slowed and he could _feel_ every cut and bruise his tortured body had received.

He could hear the hum of Ronon's weapon echoing in his head and the sound of his team shouting at him and willing him to come back. He knew it would only be a matter of time before Ronon caught up to him. He had to get back to the gate and call for help.

When he reached the bottom of the incline he came to a halt in a sprawling, tangled heap. Sheppard dragged himself up and tried to move forwards, but he was a disorientated mess. He reached out for a tree trunk to stop the world from spinning and finally lost the battle with his stomach. He heaved up his breakfast and retched until there was nothing left but bile. He wiped his mouth and waited for the world to still around him. He heard Ronon call out his name and felt the bark next to his head split on impact as he fired off another shot at him.

Sheppard ducked low, took a steadying breath and then started off in the direction of the gate hoping that he would make it before Ronon did.

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Sheppard had been running for a while before he realised that he didn't really know where he was going. He'd got turned around at one point, but hadn't wanted to stop. Just kept on going until his lungs burned and his legs ached. He just wanted to get as far away as he could. He was conflicted; needed time to collect himself, but in the same instant needed to get his team help. Other than seeming feverish and out of character it didn't look like they had anything life threatening, but he couldn't be sure that that was the case, or that they wouldn't eventually turn on each other.

"Dammit!"

He slowed his pace and traipsed through the undergrowth with bitter determination, trying to keep low and forcing himself to keep momentum.

His injuries weren't bothering him – either that or adrenaline wasn't allowing him to notice them. He clutched the 9.mil in his hand and kept one arm cradled by his side as he moved a branch out of his path.

He didn't want to think that Ronon was following him, he was a runner after all and an excellent tracker. Sheppard deliberately took the long way around trees and made sure he crossed over one of the shallow streams every now and again to throw him off. He didn't know if it work, but he couldn't let Ronon find him before he got back to the gate.

Not when he was acting so crazy.

Sheppard didn't dwell on events. At least, he tried not to. He preferred to lock the things that bothered him away and just not deal with them all together. Okay, so it wasn't exactly healthy, but it worked for him.

He didn't trust shrinks. He had spoken to so many over the years that they had left him disillusioned in their ability to actually heal. He didn't like the way they questioned every motive and made you talk about how you felt all the time.

If he had to be honest, he felt like shit. Every day. But again, he didn't dwell on it. He couldn't allow himself.

His team however, had just brought up every painful event that had happened to him over the last few years and he felt utterly exhausted and unprepared.

He had tried to justify himself. _But really, did he need to justify an action that was supposedly right?_ He wondered if any of them really felt that way but never said it. _Did they think he was dangerous?_ _Did they think he was emotionally unavailable?_ Whatever _that_ meant.

Being emotional about an event wasn't a luxury on a mission. You had to do what needed to be done and then deal with the repercussions later, on your own.

After he had dragged Holland's body as far as he could and eventually been forced to abandon him, he had made it across the border, held out long enough to brief his superiors and made it back to his quarters just in time to break down, alone and out of sight.

That night had been one of the worst in his life and there had been many since. Only, he never showed it.

What good would it do for him to break down in front of his team, or snap in front of a therapist?

Sheppard pushed the traitorous thoughts out of his head and walked for a while longer before his mind seemed to cast back again and make him re-live the other events his team had so publicly brought up.

There were always actions you took as a soldier which you didn't necessarily like, but they had to be taken. That was the cold hard fact of being military.

Sheppard was relieved when he spotted the gate up ahead. It meant that his nightmare situation might nearly be over.

The area leading up to the gate was unprotected and in the open. If he got caught now, he'd have no chance of escape. _Strange_. He'd never had to escape from his team before.

He jogged over to the DHD and threw a paranoid look over his shoulder.

He went to reach for his radio, but remembered that it had been taken off him and cursed quietly. He rubbed a hand through his hair, feeling dried blood in his hair line, and moved in a lazy circle until an idea hit him.

The MALP.

It was just sitting there like a beacon in the cold wind. They had initially used it to check that the environment was suitable for an off-world mission and hadn't sent it back through yet. It had video capability and a microphone which could be used just like a radio.

Sheppard tucked the 9.mil into the front of his pants and dialled up the DHD with his good hand.

The gate seemed to take a long time to engage and Sheppard could feel himself getting uncharacteristically tense as he waited for it to burst to life.

"Come on, come on, come on-" he continued the mantra and after a few seconds, realised that he was beginning to sound just like McKay.

If only McKay was sounding like McKay.

The gate whooshed to life and as soon as it did, Sheppard knelt down in front of the MALP's camera and started to speak.

"Atlantis, this is Colonel Sheppard."

There was a painful minute of silence and he tried again to get a response.

"_Colonel Sheppard?"_

"Yeah, it's me."

"_We haven't received your IDC__ code?"_

"Forget about that – I haven't got it and I haven't got my radio either so turn to the MALP screen."

He waited a beat and then gave the camera a wave.

---------------------------

Elizabeth Weir had seen some strange things in her time as civilian leader of Atlantis, but she was still surprised to see Sheppard kneeling in front of the MALP camera.

"John, what's going on?"

The picture was grainy, but she could clearly see that he was covered in bruises and that one side of his face was smeared with blood. His face was up-close to the camera so she couldn't see anything else beyond that.

"_Elizabeth. I need you to send Lorne and some men through__…………."_

Elizabeth shared a nervous look with the gate technician who simply shrugged.

"John, fill me in."

"_My team are sick,"_ he said moving closer to the camera_, "I don't know how, but they are not themselves right now."_

Elizabeth was even more confused now. Sheppard hardly seemed like himself either. He looked strangely vulnerable.

"How are they not themselves."

Sheppard turned away and heaved in a weary breath. Whatever had happened looked serious.

"John?"

"_They're just not themselves okay….saying things that-"_ he cut himself off, _"Look, they're sick. I don't really know how it happened but they're all burning up and –"_

"Okay, so we need to send a medical team through-" she turned to activate her earpiece but Sheppard stalled her.

"_No, they're dangerous__, just send Lorne's team."_

"I meant for you John. You're not looking too good."

"_Forget about me, I'll worry about me later."_

He was certainly agitated and Elizabeth was beginning to worry that he was sick as well.

"John, you're not making much sense."

"_We found a lab and they all got trapped inside and……__now they're sick, that's all I know."_

"What happened to you?"

"_Nothing happened to me, I'm fine."_

Elizabeth could tell that he was lying to her.

"You're not fine. You're bleeding."

Sheppard swiped at his face.

"_Don't worry about me okay? It's superficial.__ I just need to get them back to Atlantis."_

"How did you get injured?"

"_We're not talking about __me; we're talking about my team."_

"John?"

"_They did it okay. Look, send Lorne and-"_

"John."

""_Elizabeth, I don't have time to sit here and d__iscuss this."_

Sheppard moved back onto his heels and it was just then that Elizabeth caught a glimpse of another grainy figure moving towards him.

"John there-"

"_Just do it."_

"John."

The figure was edging forward and they had something in their hand. It looked like a gun and the wielder looked like-

"John, Ronon is-"

Sheppard seemed to sense the presence just as she spoke and turned suddenly. Elizabeth watched him draw his own weapon just as a flash of light hit the MALP and the screen went dead.

"John? Colonel?"

Elizabeth turned, reached up to her earpiece and contacted Lorne.

--------------------------------------

Sheppard managed to move out of the way just before Ronon pulled the trigger on his weapon. Time had sped up and slowed in that one moment leaving Sheppard to realise that if he hadn't have moved then he would have been dead. Ronon was serious about ending his life.

The MALP took the full force of the attack, sparking and smoking before bleeping and then falling deathly silent.

Sheppard twisted around, got up and onto his feet, reaching for his 9.mil and aiming it forward in one fluid motion. It was the second time that day that he had aimed a gun at a friend,

"Ronon…..don't shoot!" Sheppard shouted as he held his other hand out in a placating gesture.

Ronon smiled predatorily and took a step forward, "What are you doing?"

Sheppard didn't dare look towards the MALP or the gate. He kept his eyes trained forwards.

"Ronon, I was just trying to get you some help."

The event horizon was still open but Sheppard didn't have enough time to make a run for it. Not if he wanted to make it through alive.

"We already told you Sheppard. We don't need help."

Sheppard had his finger loosely over the trigger. He didn't want to use the gun if it wasn't necessary. He didn't even want to think about the repercussion's of having to kill a friend.

"I think you do and I think that you know that. Look at what you're doing Ronon."

Ronon glanced at his weapon and then back at Sheppard.

"Look at what you're doing Sheppard."

Sheppard grimaced. Okay, so he was aiming a gun too.

He gently started to lower his weapon.

"Okay…..okay," he kept his hand up, "I'll put this on the floor, but only if you promise not to shoot me."

"I can't make that promise."

Sheppard bent down, his side hurting as he did so and hesitated just before he dropped his hand gun.

"If you don't drop it, I'll definitely shoot you."

Sheppard let the gun fall from his hands, watched it clatter ineffectually to the dirt and took a small step back, both hands up in the air.

"Okay, so I'm not a threat."

Ronon grinned and moved towards him.

"You're never a threat when it comes to me."

Sheppard didn't doubt it for a second.

"What's it like?"

Ronon stopped in his tracks.

"I mean, where you are right now, you're frame of mind? What's it like?"

"I feel just fine."

"Oh right………the sweating and the flushed cheeks are nothing huh?"

"I've never felt better. How are _you_ feeling?"

"Never better."

"You don't look so good."

"Then I guess we're even."

"What did you tell them?" Ronon motioned towards the gate.

"Just that you need help…I know, I know…you don't need help. Let's just say I'm a born worrier."

"I thought you were born lazy?"

"That too. But I always told you that I would fight if I had too."

"You don't have too."

Ronon reached down to grab Sheppard's weapon.

There was nothing for it, Ronon was leaning down, he wasn't looking up and the aim of his weapon was way off. If Sheppard didn't act now then he could be dead in a few more minutes. His team had already shown a surprising amount of spite for him and Ronon had tried to kill him three or four times today, so he had to make a decision.

He had to take matters into his own hands.

Sheppard was assaulted with guilt as he stooped, grabbed a handful of dirt and tossed it straight into Ronon's face.

Ronon grunted and reached up to claw the dirt out his eyes, all the while aiming sporadically and cursing Sheppard in Satedan.

Sheppard went for the 9.mil, pushed it into his calf holster and kicked out at Ronon's hand. His pulse blaster went flying off to the right and Sheppard went to run off.

He was too slow. Ronon grabbed him by his wrist and gave it a sharp twist.

Sheppard wasn't sure if he heard bones break, but something hurt like hell and he was reduced to his knees.

"You'll thank me when this is all over," Sheppard shouted over the roar of blood in his ears.

Ronon was still blinking furiously, his eyes red and tearing.

"Sorry buddy."

Sheppard bought his elbow up in an arc and connected hard with Ronon's chin. Ronon fell back, already reaching out for his weapon and Sheppard ran and ran and ran until he was into the undergrowth and bursting through the trees so fast he could barely breathe.

-------------------------------

McKay heard a shot being fired and stiffened as he turned to Teyla.

"You think he shot Sheppard?"

Teyla shrugged and McKay couldn't help but think that they should have been more concerned. _No_. Scratch that. He _knew_ he should be more concerned and yet it was as though he was being smothered by a thick fog and his thoughts were streamlined into focusing on one thing. The lab.

His heart was pounding in his chest and he was feeling hot, dizzy, but pumped up with so much adrenaline that he felt like he was high. Some rational part of him was screaming at him to take notice. Something wasn't right.

He laughed hysterically.

"We should get to the lab," Teyla urged him on.

McKay shook his head and tried to fight his way out of the surreal fog.

"Do you get the feeling that something is………..wrong?"

Teyla didn't answer and he took it as her cue to continue babbling.

"I mean…Sheppard….do you think….."

"Colonel Sheppard is………… unwell," Teyla finished for him.

Her conclusion had seemed forced. Her voice strained.

"He is?" McKay wiped some of the sweat from the back of his neck and couldn't help but feel that his symptoms were contradictory to that fact.

God he was confused. Nothing seemed to make sense.

"Yes," she continued as if she were convincing herself of that fact.

"He needs to be ………………stopped."

McKay drove on up the path towards the lab. Yes. That's where they needed to get. The lab.

"Why?"

It was natural for him to question it. He was a scientist. He thrived on finding the answers to difficult questions.

Teyla shared a look with him and seemed equally confused.

"I feel as though…we're missing something," McKay said snapping his fingers, "Something just feels off."

Teyla drank some of her water and wiped a hand across her mouth.

"Are you feeling okay?"

"Yes," she answered automatically, "I feel………"

"Me too."

Silence.

"We'll feel better when we get back to the lab."

McKay nodded furiously and felt the fog surround him again and compress his thoughts, "Yes of course, the lab……"

----------------------------

Sheppard finally stopped running, entered the cave at a jog and felt his legs give way as he reached safety.

He stayed on the floor, kneeling, his head pressed down into the mud and his hands splayed beside him, just trying to breathe and abate the dizziness that he felt.

He had run for a solid hour, only stopping briefly to check his watch and throw up the remaining contents of his stomach.

After a few minutes he lifted his head, crawled over to the wall and leaned against it.

He felt utterly exhausted and he was freezing cold.

Sheppard took a quick inventory of his injuries, being careful with obviously bruised skin as he prodded his side and face. He felt something stinging on his shoulder and when he looked, he was surprised to see that one of Ronon's pulse blasts had been accurate.

The skin was only grazed but he was bleeding a lot. It had snaked a trail all the way down to his fingertips. He was no longer in possession of his tactical vest so he didn't have any field dressings. There was nothing he could do. On second thoughts, he didn't have much of anything. He didn't know how long he would up in that cave, but he didn't have any water or food either.

He only had the 9.mil with its full magazine and a lot of good that would be. He would either have to shoot his friends or be shot by his friends. The former would never happen.

He just hoped that Lorne was ready to come through to provide some essential back up.

He decided that he would rest for a while and then go and see if he could knock some sense into the others before help arrived.

Sheppard leaned his head back, closed his eyes and started to drift in and out of consciousness. He couldn't sleep fully and ended up in a half awake, half asleep dream state that always created the most vivid of dreams.

Sheppard's adulterous mind started to dredge up his past and he could feel himself suffocating, practically choking on the bitter taste of regret.

He could see them all now. Holland, Mitch, Dex, Everett, Sumner….oh god. Sumner. He had no other choice.

Sumner was being fed on by the wraith, his once toned body transforming into a withering frame before him, his blue eyes grey and dead. Sheppard had made eye contact and Sumner had nodded. Given him the go ahead to end his life. _Only_, Sheppard had spent numerous sweat soaked nights wondering if Sumner had simply flinched and Sheppard had read his own mis-guided interpretation. He used to worry that Sumner had been asking for help and not for his life to be aborted.

A soldiers life was inevitably peppered with horrific stories of capture, war and death. Life expectancy was short. Hard decisions had to be made. Lives had to be lost.

Sheppard had his fair share of horrific stories. He'd lost many friends. Seen what happens on the front line and how many soldiers could not go on, choosing to end their life than deal with what happened in combat.

He could live with these failures. He could deal with that pain. But, his team mates had bought up past events that were not limited to his military career. They had involved his ex-wife.

He had never felt the need to mention her before. The failed marriage had of course, been his fault and he had only admitted to it when Ronon had talked openly about his partner whom he lost on Sateda.

But now they all knew and at some stage in their recovery they would ask and Sheppard would be forced to live out that period of his life again.

Sheppard was used to the feeling of regret. So used to it, that up until his team had started to bring up his past, he had forgotten quite what it felt like. And it hurt.

TBC……………


	6. Chapter 6

He was dreaming. Fatigue. He couldn't seem to pull himself back into reality.

"_I wish you would just open up to me."_

_He was back in Colorado, sitting out on the porch steps with a cold beer nestled between shaking fingers with his wife's voice occasionally filtering through the smog of his grief addled brain._

"_John….." _

_There was a pained silence and then she was sitting beside him and placing her hand on his knee._

"_What is it? What's wrong?"_

_He took a long swig, anything to delay his response. He just couldn't do it. She wouldn't understand anyway. She wasn't military._

"_John…please."_

_Her voice was laced with desperation._

_He couldn't meet her gaze. Instead, he looked towards her but not at her. _

"_John?"_

"_Nothing."_

_She was getting annoyed and when she spoke her voice was bristling with carefully controlled anger. He'd heard that tone before, become so used to it, that he couldn't remember a time when she didn't sound so weary._

"_Nothing,__" she repeated with a sigh._

_Sheppard shrugged._

_The beer was snatched out of his hand and hurled across the porch, connecting with the back of the house and shattering into a mess of glass and froth. He supposed he should have been surprised by the reaction, but he felt heavy with guilt and tiredness and his emotions were dulled by feelings of failure and helplessness._

"_This is not__ nothing. This is something."_

_He'd heard her, noted the pitch of her voice, and simply reached into his cooler and pulled out another beer. He wasn't drunk, but he intended to be very soon._

"_I can't-" Sara's voice broke._

_He knew what was coming. He hadn't spoken to her, not really, in weeks and Mitch and Dex had been gone for a long time now. His fault._

"_I can't do this anymore….."_

_He reached up to scratch the stubble on his chin, the steady swell of pain in his chest crushing him and leaving him only able to nod again._

"_Aren't you going to say something?"_

_They sat in silence. The wind was blowing in the trees, the skies were getting darker and the invisible thread that used to tie them so strongly was slowly being severed._

"_I'm sorry," he said quietly._

_Sarah breathed out a ragged breath, smiled and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. _

"_Its okay baby," she kissed him on the cheek and clung to him for dear life, "I'm here for you…I know this is hard. It's been devastating for all of us. Just tell me-"_

_He pulled her hands down from his shoulders and gripped her wrists loosely. _

"_I'm sorry. I __can't do this either."_

"_You'll be okay….I promise."_

_Men were dead and it was his fault. Good friends gone forever. He didn't know at that point how anything was ever going to be okay again._

"_John……" _

_There was th__at quiver in her voice again._

"_Please talk to me. Just tell me what's going on in that head of yours."_

_He sto__od up, taking the beer with him. _

"_I'll stay at the base tonight. I'll move my things out tomorrow."_

"_John……."_

_And he__ walked off. Just like that._

Sheppard managed to rip himself out of his dream and found himself drenched in a cold sweat. He choked out a strangled yell and hit the floor with his fist.

---------------------------

Ronon was vibrating with anger when he stormed into the lab. He found McKay and Teyla leaning over the consoles and scrolling through a data pad. He slammed his gun down onto the console top and wiped at his sore eyes.

"What happened to you?" McKay asked without looking up.

"_Sheppard_ happened to me," Ronon growled.

Teyla rolled her eyes, "Did you get him?"

Ronon met her gaze in response to her stupid question. _Stupid_. Teyla wasn't stupid. He knew that so why………..

She cut off his train of thought.

"He got away?"

"Blinded me and ran…. Coward."

The reality of what he had just said seemed to jar with the reality of what he really felt. He'd never considered Sheppard a coward before. And yet the words seemed to have rolled off his tongue so easily.

"Well, you need to go and find him," McKay stated in an irritated voice.

"Why don't _you_ go and find him?"

McKay looked up from the data pad, eyes narrowing, "_Because_ I'm doing the _important_ job here and I'd like to see you, Conon, break _this_ encryption. How are you with mathematical algorithms? Hmm?"

Ronon paced the confines of the lab and grunted again. Point taken.

"Why don't you go too?"

Teyla turned to McKay with a scowl, "Why?"

"He trusts you."

"He trusts you too," Teyla threw back at him.

McKay stilled – the truth of her words sinking in.

"Why do you want us to leave anyway?"

"I don't."

"What are you planning?"

"Nothing."

"He's lying," Ronon stated.

He grabbed McKay by his jacket and forced him back against the wall. McKay's head connected with a thud and the data pad slipped from his grasp.

"Ronon," McKay sounded hysterical, "what are you doing?"

McKay attempted to shove him back and met with solid muscle that wasn't going to budge.

"You want _me_ and _Teyla_ to go so _you_ can have it all to yourself!"

McKay laughed and crumpled against the wall, looking hot and dizzy and not all that well.

"Is this true?"

Teyla was joining the crush now and planting her hand onto McKay's shoulder.

Ronon loosened his grip momentarily. Why did this whole situation seem……_off_?

"You're insane! You're starting to sound like him."

"Who…Sheppard?"

"Yes…Sheppard."

"Right."

"Look……I'm the _only_ one that can access it _and_ we have a crazy man on the run, intent on killing us all. I'm not exactly proficient in fighting crazy gun wielding Colonel's. You and Teyla on the other hand….."

Right. Sheppard was the enemy, so why was he pinning McKay up against the wall? In fact, why was he angry at all?

Ronon let go of McKay and took an exaggerated step back.

"Ronon, you stay here and watch Doctor McKay. I will go and find Sheppard. He _may_ listen to reason."

"And if he doesn't?" Ronon asked as McKay tried to compose himself.

Teyla patted her side arm with a strange grin.

------------------------------

By the time Sheppard had dragged himself back up to his feet, he realised that he had been sleeping for four hours. It should have given Lorne plenty of time to assemble a team and get through the gate. He decided to head for the lab and see if he could keep the others contained until his back up arrived.

He moved stiffly as he walked through the surrounding vegetation, stopping briefly by the river to drink some water, and clean up his various cuts. He could see his reflection in the water as he doused his face with generous handfuls and the cut on his head stung as his fingers brushed passed it.

As he was crouching and washing his face, he heard the sounds of boots crushing on gravel.

"John."

Sheppard stiffened.

"Teyla."

He stood, turned slowly and kept his hands where she could see them. Teyla's hand was hovering over her sidearm, but she hadn't taken it out of the holster yet. So far, so good.

"You're not planning on using that are you?" Sheppard indicated with a nod.

Teyla swiped some of her hair out of her eyes and shrugged.

"Look……Teyla, I'm _not_ going to hurt you."

She laughed abruptly and it sounded hollow and nothing like her.

"What?"

"Is it not _me_ who usually injures _you_?"

Sheppard had to concede, "Okay, you're right. But we're not sparring right now."

"Then maybe we should change that."

"Teyla-"

He was cut off. Teyla stalked over to the undergrowth, disappeared for a few seconds and then reappeared, tossing two branches his way. She obviously wasn't thinking straight. She just gave him a clear opportunity to escape or shoot her in the back. Either that or she knew him too well. She knew he would do neither one of those things.

"Pick them up."

Sheppard stared at the branches for a few minutes as he tried to understand her motivations. Why wasn't she just shooting him there and then like Ronon?

It gave him hope. Hope, that maybe some part of her was still accessible.

"Teyla, I'm not going to fight you."

"I'm trying…..to be honourable," Teyla gritted out, "I'm not going to shoot you – but I will beat you to death with these if you don't pick them up."

She moved the branches aggressively and Sheppard knew what kind of damage she could do without even trying. He had ended up with enough bruises over the years to prove it.

Sheppard staggered backwards a step and placed his hands up, "You're not well."

"Would you stop saying that!" she cried out viscerally.

"You're not."

"Pick them up…I'm only going to give you one more chance."

"Teyla……I know you. If you could see how you're behaving then-"

"What? I would _feel_ bad," she tossed her head back and laughed again, "I _feel_ wonderful."

Sheppard felt completely torn. If he could buy enough time then maybe, just maybe, Lorne would arrive.

"Okay," he stooped down and just as he was picking them up, Teyla stepped forwards and cracked him over the back with her sticks.

Having been taken completely by surprise, Sheppard fell to his knees and coughed violently.

"Sorry." Teyla said in a sing song voice that was anything but apologetic.

She stepped back and twirled the sticks around playfully.

Sheppard groaned, pushed himself up onto his feet and picked up the sticks again. His back felt as though it was on fire as he straightened up.

"Now….remember our lessons?"

"Do you?"

"If you've been practising like I suggested then this will be a piece of……."

"Cake."

Imagining he was in the gym, and they were about to have an entirely friendly spar with the bantos sticks, Sheppard got himself into position. Loose stance, legs shoulder-width apart, arms locked at the elbows, slack in the shoulders and……………..

He didn't have time to prepare. Teyla was already moving forwards and swinging her arm up at him with the branch. It caught him on the arm and he yelped. When the branch was retracted he could see blood trickling down his arm.

"Oh dear….I must have forgotten to remove the thorns in this one."

Sheppard felt sick. He wondered how they would ever get over this spectacularly failed mission once they got back to Atlantis. He had traded blows with two members of his team, been beaten, spiteful words had been uttered……Shit!

He braced himself for another blow, managed to duck at the last minute and rolled to the right to avoid being hit.

Teyla regained her balance but seemed to be struggling. She was slower than she usually was, stiffer and definitely not on usual form.

Sheppard blocked, twisted away and took another hit.

"Are you tired yet?" Teyla asked as she breathed heavily.

"Are you?"

Sheppard crouched down to avoid the stick whistling over his head.

They seemed to move like that for hours. It was like a rhythmical dance, beautifully synchronous, but without any good intent.

Sheppard was blocking and side stepping and feeling the brunt of each well aimed blow. He was playing defence, not wanting to truly strike out and hurt her.

When he did finally land a blow on her, purely by accident, she sank to the ground tonelessly and lay on the floor, deathly still.

"Shit!"

Sheppard was motivated by pure panic as he dropped the sticks and ran over to her, skidding to a stop beside her body. He could see the painful welt flaring up on her cheek and felt instantly guilty at having hit her.

"Teyla?"

He gave her a gentle shake.

"Teyla…….wake up….."

Her eyes fluttered open.

"Are you okay?"

He pushed a strand of her hair off her forehead and was surprised by the amount of heat radiating off her skin. His thumb skimmed across her forehead, across the welt, and he felt a stab of shame.

"Teyla I……"

She went to slap him.

Sheppard grabbed her wrists tightly and sat atop her to stop her from squirming.

"Just ……..stop!" Sheppard shouted as she kicked and tried to buck him off.

"Get off me!" she screamed predatorily.

Sheppard pinned her hands down by her head and leaned on them until she stilled.

"Teyla, you're not well."

She turned her head away and nearly broke his heart. He had always felt a protective streak for her and to see her this broken just killed him.

"Some part of you must be in there….why didn't you just shoot me?"

She tried to kick up with her legs and let out a frustrated growl.

"I'm going to get you help. Okay?"

Silence.

"Colonel……get off me."

"I'm sorry Teyla," Sheppard pinned her hand down next to her side and knelt on her arm.

He rifled through her tactical vest, feeling as though he was violating her, and eventually found what he was looking for.

Plastic ties.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

The scene before him mirrored his own surreal experience hours ago. Sheppard had managed to secure Teyla's wrists, apologising profusely as he struggled with the bindings, and tied her against a well placed tree. Her legs were outstretched in front of her, heels digging into the dirt as she attempted to squirm out of the plastic ties.

"Let _me_ go!" She cried out in a desperate plea.

Sheppard felt a pang of guilt as her voice cut through him.

Crouching beside her, he tried to decide his next step.

She was watching his every move, her eyes silently penetrating, her chest heaving with tired breaths.

"Don't look at me like that," Sheppard ordered in an even voice.

He settled for removing the magazine from her side arm and tossing the ammunition as far as he could. He hadn't seen her P90 in a while and wondered where they had been stashed away or forgotten. He'd have to retrieve them before they left this world. _If_ they ever left this world.

"How's your head?"

He reached out with a steady hand and examined the cut on her cheek. It was angry and red but it didn't look too bad. It didn't stop him feeling guilt ridden.

Teyla reacted instantly and whipped her head away, "I'm fine."

"No headache? Blurred vision?...Nausea?" He waited for a response, "You'd tell me if you were hurt wouldn't you?"

Teyla's lips formed a straight thin line and when she finally spoke it made Sheppard's skin grow cold.

"Feeling guilty _John_?"

Sheppard rubbed at his sore arm where a nasty bruise was beginning to flourish and scanned the tree line.

"It _was_ an accident," he turned back to her and met her dark eyes, "And you _were_ trying to kill me."

Teyla kept her mouth closed. Her chin was jutting out in sheer defiance.

"And you know damn well I feel bad."

He waited for any kind of response that would prove to him that Teyla understood him. Instead, she continued to sit in silence.

Sheppard reached for her earpiece and fitted it snugly into his own ear.

"What are you doing?" Teyla was trying to get free again. She was nothing if persistent.

"I'm creating a distraction."

"What?"

Sheppard held a hand up to stall her words, stood up and coolly activated the earpiece.

--------------------------

"_Ronon?"_

Ronon stopped mid-pace, blocked out McKay's consistent rambling and zoned in on one recognizable voice.

"Sheppard?"

There was a noise in the background. Somebody was shouting and it sounded like….

"Where's Teyla?"

"_She's fine, but you might want to come and untie her."_

The response was instant and cocky and Ronon wanted to crush the confidence out of his voice.

"Will you be there?"

"_I'll be waiting."_

------------------------------

Ronon ran with renewed strength, pushing through the undergrowth and jumping fallen logs with expert accuracy. He had been running for a long time, lost in incoherent thought, when sooner than he expected, he arrived at the site of Teyla's capture.

She was sitting tied against a tree, hands bound behind her back and was completely still.

Ronon pulled out his weapon, clicked off the safety and gave the tree line a meticulous scan.

"Where is he?" Ronon shouted over the roar of his heart beating in his chest.

"He's gone," Teyla informed him dryly, "Now untie me."

Ronon skidded to a halt by her side, rested his gun on the floor and started to untie her. He was quick; cutting away the ropes and ties in one fluid motion before fitting the gun back into a snug embrace.

"Where did he go?"

"Where do you think?"  
"Back to the lab?"

Teyla got her hands free and rubbed at her aching wrists.

Ronon noticed the welt on her cheek and the newly forming bruise, "What happened?"

"He hit me," Teyla informed him with an unexpected feeling of shame.

Ronon was confused.

"He hit you?"

"Yes."

"He wouldn't………" He stopped the words from spilling out of his mouth and felt like a traitor to himself.

"Well ……….he did," And even Teyla looked as though she knew that she was lying.

"We need to stop him. How long ago did he leave?"

Teyla shrugged.

"Are you okay to move?"

She nodded and struggled to her feet.

---------------------------

McKay was knee deep in wires when he felt the presence behind him. He didn't bother looking up, he didn't have time. He couldn't decide what was more annoying; the shadow that was blocking his light or the persistent hovering over his back.

"Well, it's about time you got back. I think I might have actually gotten somewhere with this heap of-"

A hand clamped down onto his shoulder and a cold fear swept through him.

"Now, Rodney, I don't want you to freak but-"

He couldn't help it. Some latent part of him was awash with panic. McKay stood up and pressed himself back against the console, one hand reaching for his weapon, the other swiping out with the knife he had been using to unsheathe wires.

Sheppard took an exaggerated step back and sighed, "I _asked_ you not to freak out!"

McKay had to admit, Sheppard looked awful. He was covered in cuts and bruises; his hair was hanging limply, pressed against his forehead with a mixture of sweat and dirt. His t-shirt was disgustingly grimy and the hand that was holding the 9.mil, the 9mil pointed directly at him, was shaking. He knew his friend…….._enemy_, would be feeling all kinds of regret at that moment in time.

"What the _hell_ are you doing?" McKay asked as he aimed his own weapon.

He realised that his hold was much steadier than Sheppard's and flicked off the safety in one easy motion.

"I need you to listen to reason………"

"Sheppard, you are insane. Stop pointing that gun at me!"

"Stop pointing _that_ gun at _me_ then!"

"I'm not going to do that."

"Quit being an idiot and put that away before you hurt yourself."

McKay fired a shot over Sheppard's shoulder that had him ducking out of the way.

"Rodney!"

"See, you didn't think I would do that did you."

"Fire a weapon in an enclosed space? Are you trying to get yourself shot?"

"No I have you for that!"

There was something vaguely familiar about the way they were verbally sparring.

"Hey, I apologised for that…look…….."

Sheppard lowered his aim slightly and took a step forwards.

"It pains me to admit this but………….. you are the smartest person on this planet right now, so I need you to use that big brain of yours and have a long think about what it is that you're doing here."

"I know exactly why I'm here."

"Think Rodney….._please_."

McKay could feel a swell of emotion rising and he deliberately pushed it back down into his gut. The swell aggravated his stomach, made him feel sick, but he ploughed on regardless.

"Yes, well, I am a genius."

"Modest as always."

"But you're the crazy one and-"

Sheppard screwed up his face. It was an expression of anger that McKay had become used to. It was an expression that was dangerous.

"_That's_ it," Sheppard said, "I'm tying you up!"

"Colonel!"

"_Doctor_!"

Sheppard let out a strangled laugh and scrubbed a hand through his tangled mess of hair. McKay recognised sincere concern in Sheppard's eyes, just before a flicker of something else.

Sheppard made eye contact, seemed to be making an internal decision, and then lunged forward before McKay could stop him.

His wrist was seized and the gun was pointed away. McKay's finger unintentionally depressed the trigger and a single shot flew off and ricocheted off the far wall with a loud ping. Sheppard twisted his arm back and started to drag him towards the door. McKay half expected him to grip him by his ear like an angry parent might do.

"If you're not going to listen to me then I'm going to make you!"

McKay tried to move away, but found his flagging energy levels made it impossible to do so. He was so hot and achy, that all he wanted to do was to complete his work and get to a bed. Sheppard was making that impossible.

"Get off!"

"No."

"Sheppard!"

"Sorry Rodney, but you've left me no choice."

"Get off me!" McKay called out and kicked Sheppard in the shin - _hard_.

Sheppard released his grip but didn't let go completely and muttered a curse as he hopped and shook out his leg.

"You kick like a girl!"

"Stop pulling my hair like one!"

"I'm not-"

McKay kicked out again and this time Sheppard let him go completely.

Mckay twisted out of his grip and stepped back behind one of the consoles.

"I'm not _going_ with you."

"McKay, you might not see it, but you are sick. All of you are."

"And you?"

Sheppard put his hands on his hips and sighed as he looked down at the floor, "I'm not sick. Just broken," he admitted. "You're _coming_ with me."

"No, I'm not."

"When we get home you're going to owe me big time. I mean it. I'm getting the red jello every lunch from now on."

"I'm not leaving here."

Sheppard stalked over to him, grabbed him by his jacket and forced him to the door. There was look of sheer determination in his eyes.

McKay reacted quicker than he would have imagined possible. He reached out for anything weighty and then struck Sheppard over the head.

McKay staggered backwards and felt terrible for no apparent reason while Sheppard fell to the floor. His knees took the brunt of his weight and he fell forwards and onto his hands.

As he was trying to clear his head and reorient himself, McKay managed to get away and slammed a fist into one of the consoles.

Before Sheppard could respond, the large door came down in front of them and he realised with a weary sigh that they were now trapped until McKay deemed to open the door.

"Why did you do that?" His voice was flat, _deflated_, utterly defeated.

"Because….." McKay twisted on his heel and reached for his date pad, "I have unfinished business in here."

_In the lab. Yes. The lab._ His thoughts crystallised again.

"I mean…why did you hit me over the head. Ow."

"Same answer."

McKay was holding a gun on him again and was un-clicking the safety.

"You're _not_ going to shoot me."

"Probably not." McKay sighed, "Are you going to behave?"

"I'm not five."

"What I mean is, are you going to let me work?"

"Lorne is on his way with back up."

"And we're trapped in here."

"Good point. I'm just saying that you don't have long to do what it is that your trying to do."

"Just……stay out of my way and when this is over I'll think about letting you go."

Sheppard stood up, kicked the door and then leaned against it. Not so long ago he had been on the other side of it. He picked up his berretta and McKay caught him handling it.

"Look you're not going to shoot me so why don't you just let me get on with my work."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that."

But Sheppard re-holstered his weapon none the less.

McKay knew he was right.

"You'd never be able to forgive yourself."

"Are you?"

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Rodney, over the last few hours I have been beaten up, knocked out, tied to a tree, fallen down a hill, beaten some more and assaulted with a damn branch, and _all_ by _my_ team. A team that _usually_ likes me!"

"Stop whining," McKay shot back as he sat next to one of the consoles.

"What are you doing?"

McKay turned to see Sheppard leaning against the wall. There was a trickle of blood from a cut somewhere in his hairline and he felt a pang of something. Guilt?

"I'm working."

"On what?"

"If you don't shut up, I'll make you."

"Go on then."

"Don't tempt me."

"I wonder if I'll go crazy now."

"What are you going on about?"

"Well, last time you were locked in this room something happened that made you all sick."

Sheppard was sliding down to the floor and leaning against the wall heavily. He really didn't look all that great.

"I'm _not_ sick."

McKay ignored the temptation to wipe at his own fevered brow and tried to occupy his mind with work.

"You look terrible."

"And you look positively glowing."

Sheppard laughed dozily and rubbed at his face. He leaned against his knees and the next thing McKay heard was a mumbled question through his knees.

"What are you doing?"

"If I tell you will you shut up?"

"Well, I guess. I mean…I heard that Ronon and Teyla were going to try and steal it anyway."

McKay stopped dead, "What? What did you hear?"

Sheppard shifted on the floor and looked up slowly, blinking sweat out of his eyes.

"Something about…… getting rid of you after they got it."

McKay dropped his handful of wires and scooted closer to Sheppard. He had to be lying. A game. Sheppard was trying to confuse him. So why did he believe him? Ingrained trust? _He trusted Sheppard?_ Where had that come from? His head hurt. Nothing made sense.

"They said that?"

Sheppard shrugged, "Teyla mentioned it."

"I knew it!"

He believed Sheppard for some reason. It felt natural somehow. Expected that Sheppard wouldn't lie to him.

"You really can't trust anyone."

"No," McKay angrily stood up and started pacing.

Sheppard leaned back and rested his arms on his knees, "What the hell is it?"

McKay sighed. He could trust him right? Sheppard?

He shook his head and blinked hard. He couldn't think straight anymore.

"Hey Buddy, you okay?"

McKay sank to his knees and scrubbed a hand over his flushed face.

"If I tell you…will you shut up?"

TBC…………..


	8. Chapter 8

Sheppard knitted his eyebrows in confusion and wondered if it was concussion preventing him from hearing normally.

He finally licked his lips and said, "What?!"

McKay sighed dramatically and rocked back onto his heels, "Are you going deaf Colonel as well as stupid?"

Sheppard felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. _There_ was the old Rodney.

"I'm sorry Rodney. I thought I just asked you what the hell was so important and you told me it was-"

"Yes…… the resolution to the unified field theory."

Sheppard blinked.

"Nikola Tesla? The attempt to unify the general theory of relativity with electromagnetism into a single field? Ringing any bells?"

McKay moved his hands around, as he if he could gesticulate Sheppard into understanding what it was he was so excited about.

"It's the approach to simplify the underlying structure of the standard model of particle physics."

McKay was practically salivating and smiling like an idiot. Sheppard couldn't help it. He laughed.

"What is _so_ funny?" McKay moved up close to Sheppard, breaking all conventions on personal space, and waved a hand in front of his face, "_Why_ are you laughing?"

Sheppard batted his hand away and answered evenly, "You're insane."

"Sheppard, this is the _single_ greatest discovery in the entire……" McKay smiled wildly and continued to babble, "We're talking noble peace prize, fame, fortune…scientists have been trying to figure this one out for years and-"

"It's conveniently been left here for you to find. Doesn't that seem a bit-"

"If you say _insane_ I _will_ kill you." The edge to his voice informed Sheppard that he probably would too.

Sheppard held his hands up and scooted back against the wall, "Just seems a bit odd."

"Yes, well…..it would to you and _now_ I have told you will you shut up so I can work?"

Sheppard nodded and allowed McKay to get back under the console.

He waited a beat before pushing himself up and holding onto the wall while he regained his balance. He staggered over to one of the other consoles, picked up McKay's data pad and started to scroll through it. There was no way in hell, McKay was right about the..unified…thing or other.

It was a few seconds later when he heard the exasperated voice exclaim, "What are you doing?"

"You said to let you work. I'm letting you work."

"Yes but you're tampering with important equipment."

Sheppard ignored him and continued to read through the data. Whatever was happening to McKay was clouding his mind. Sheppard needed to find out what was _really_ in the lab.

"Did you hear me?"

"Rodney, just work."

"You're _not_ going to steal it from me!"

McKay moved into view with uncanny dexterity and reached out for the data pad.

Sheppard stepped backwards and found himself pressed against a wall. McKay was reaching for his berretta again. It was funny how it had become his first impulse. What wasn't so funny was that it was _always_ Sheppard's first too.

Sheppard was tired, pissed off and his patience was wearing extremely thin. He calmly reached into his own holster, pointed his weapon upwards and continued to read while keeping the data pad out of reach. Being an only child meant that he had never felt the thrills of taunting a younger sibling. He did now.

"Would you stop that!"

Sheppard flicked his eyes up, one hand holding the gun, the other gripping the data pad.

"You're acting like a child…….stop it!"

"Rodney, I'm trying to figure out what the hell is actually _in_ this lab. I'm really tired. Why don't you leave me alone and I will leave _you_ alone."

"No," McKay stepped forwards and when Sheppard looked up, he was surprised to see a vein throbbing at his temple. McKay was mad.

It was a trait common in McKay. He got mad all the time. Someone had fouled up in the lab, Sheppard had annoyed him, someone had eaten the last jello in the commissary. There was always something, but McKay had always been verbally ticked off. He'd never been actively violent and standing there with a gun pressed between uncertain fingers was definitely a non-verbal aggressive move. It meant that McKay was dangerous.

"You know _Jeannie_ used to pull stunts like this and you know how I always won?"

Sheppard sighed, "How?"

"I'd pull her hair and Colonel…you have a _lot_ of _hair_."

"Fine."

Sheppard dropped the aim of his gun and McKay snatched it out of his hands. Strangely, he ignored the data pad he had previously wanted.

"It's not loaded."

McKay gave Sheppard a horrified look, "What?"

"I took out the ammo."

"What kind of idiotic……"

Sheppard handed over the data pad and started to pace the lab, "Where's your LSD?"

McKay was still examining the empty clip of his gun, turning it over in his hands with a look of disbelief, "You realise how stupid it is to have an empty weapon?"

"Really?" Sheppard muttered as he started to raid through the piles of scientific equipment.

"Would you ………stop that?"

"Where is your LSD?"

McKay was looking more and more flustered as time progressed and his ability to hold onto a single thought was waning. He distractedly pointed over to the corner of the room and Sheppard found what he was looking for.

"Ronon was chasing you down and you had no ammo in your gun?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes and started to scan the room with the ancient device.

"What if he had shot you?"

"Then I would have been shot."

McKay sighed again. A heavy, drawn out moan that told of great weariness. He seemed to stand in frozen silence for a few minutes before realising why and what it was that he had been doing. He deftly snatched the LSD from Sheppard's hand and shoved it into his pocket.

"Stop trying to sidetrack me."

-------------------------

Sheppard had radioed hours ago. They had debriefed, examined the MALP video, converged with Caldwell and discussed the possible implications of a compromised team and then finally, after a pre-mission medical check, had been given the go ahead.

Next there was the initial quarantine of the area around the gate, in which the radiologists and other experts had deemed the locale safe, and Lorne and his team were on their way. A_t last_.

The guys in radiation suits and a unit of marines had secured the area around the gate and now Lorne and his expert team members were trudging through the undergrowth in pursuit of Sheppard.

"Keep your eyes open guys," Lorne instructed as he checked that his weapon was sound.

He was feeling disquietly nervous. He didn't know what he was going to find and it unnerved him.

They had been walking for a good hour before they got a lead. One of his marines, Johnson, had spotted tactical gear and packs on the floor.

Lorne gave the tree line a meticulous scan before approaching the gear. One tactical vest, P90's, a knife and three packs. Lorne went through the pockets of the vest and was disturbed when he found a familiar number emblazoned on the inside seam and the initials _J.S._

"This is the Colonel's," Lorne stated to no one in particular.

He turned around and saw the tie bindings next to the tree, scuffed dirt and most notably – _blood_.

----------------------------------

Sheppard leaned against the wall with his eyes closed and listened to McKay as he worked. Usually it wouldn't have been a weird situation. Sheppard spent many of his missions lazing around and waiting for McKay to make a discovery. Only, as a rule, he wasn't beat up, tired and being held hostage. _No_. Everything about his situation sucked.

"Can I talk yet?"

Silence.

"Rodney?"

McKay flicked his eyes towards him and worked at the console with his knife.

"Lorne should be-" Sheppard checked his watch and noticed it was broken.

"You're an Air Force pilot right?"

The question was fired of quickly and sounded utterly ridiculous, but Sheppard knew where it was heading.

"Yeah."

"So tell me……..how come you managed to kill all of those Genii soldiers?"

Sheppard cleared his throat, wished he had some water to sooth it, and shifted uncomfortably on the floor. He planted his hands either side of his legs and examined his mangled fingers for a few seconds.

"I knew you wouldn't answer."

Sheppard tried to flex his broken finger and sucked in a deep breath.

"You never trust me."

The words were expressed with such vitriol, that Sheppard felt guilty. He had to wonder if McKay really thought that. He knew it was his fault that he didn't open up to his team mates but there were some aspects of his life that they didn't need to know.

"John Sheppard. International man of mystery," McKay sniped.

Sheppard licked his lips, hesitated and then answered quickly. If he said it fast enough then it would be as though he had never really answered.

"I did some special ops."

McKay ignored him.

"Anyway, even pilots have to undergo basic on the ground training…..so-" he trailed off deliberately.

McKay shot him a look and narrowed his eyes, "You scare me Sheppard."

It was honest. It was to the point. Worst of all, Sheppard suspected it was the truth.

"I………"

McKay was about to say something else when he seemed to get distracted. He looked deep in concentration and then tore his earpiece out.

"It's for you," he muttered as he tossed it to Sheppard.

He abruptly disappeared into his forgotten console and started tearing at wires again.

Before Sheppard had even answered, he heard a dull thud outside the door, and he knew without a shadow of a doubt that it was Ronon.

"_Sheppard! Get out of there you coward!"_

Sheppard got up, walked over to the thick door and leaned against it.

"I didn't shut the door."

"_Then get McKay to open it!"_

Sheppard turned towards the kneeling scientist and then back to the door.

"He's kind of busy."

There was silence over the line.

"_When you get out of that room I'm going to kill you."_

Sheppard rubbed at his face and could feel the accumulation of a days grime, sweat and blood. He thought he probably reeked at that moment and found himself languishing in the thought of a long hot shower for a few moments.

"_She__ppard!"_

He dragged himself out of his personal respite and answered in a calm voice, "Yes…you're going to kill me."

"_Colonel….what is Rodney doing?"_

"Teyla, are you okay?"

"_I am fine. What is McKay doing?"_

There was a sense of urgency in her voice, a distinct quiver which told of stress. Ronon was saying something in the background that he couldn't quite hear and then there was another loud bang at the door.

"Oh, he's trying to unlock the mysteries of the unified field theory."

"_The what?"_

"The thing, the big '_it'_ you have all been trying to protect."

"_What is this __theory?"_

She sounded genuinely confused.

"Come on _guys_…….you can stop the games now."

"_He told you!"_

"Yes Ronon."

"_I will not let the co-ordinates of the other runners fall into your hands!"_

Sheppard was even more weirded out now, "The what?"

"_Don't pretend to-"_

There was the sound of a struggle and then Teyla's voice was coming through his earpiece.

"_You will not get the information Sheppard. I will be the one to deliver the good news to my people that I have a found a way to wipe the wraith out once and for….Ronon, get off me!"_

"Okay guys, I think you need to calm down." Sheppard turned towards McKay and angrily hissed at him, "You didn't even discuss what you all _thought_ it was in here?"

McKay didn't look at him. He was too busy obsessing over wires and numbers to care that he was completely wrong.

"Ronon, Teyla, look…there is no map, no way to wipe out the wraith and _no_ unified theory answer. Whatever happened to you in this room has clouded your judgement. You're not thinking straight."

"_Sheppard, you are the one that is compromised. How am I to know that you are not thinking straight!"_

"Because Ronon, think about it, the thing that is supposedly in this lab cannot be all three of the things you think it is."

There was another few moments of complete silence and Sheppard wondered whether he might have actually gotten through to them. After a few seconds his hopes were dashed when both Teyla and Ronon started ranting that it was a map and something to destroy the wraith. Neither of them were dawning on the fact that they both believed the contents to be completely different things.

Sheppard kicked out at the door in frustration, "Look, just hold tight out there, and don't do anything stupid."

He signed off and stalked over to McKay.

"Did you hear that?"

McKay had a wire in his mouth and mumbled something incoherent.

"Rodney!"

McKay spat out the wire, "What?"

"I said-"

"I heard what _you_ said, but I couldn't hear the other side of the conversation."

"Ronon and Teyla believe that whatever is in here is not what you think it is."

"Well of course they wouldn't. They're idiots."

"Not everyone is an idiot McKay."

McKay ignored him again.

Sheppard's aches and pains were more noticeable now. Every step hurt, his joints felt swollen and sore and his various bruises and cuts were causing him no end of irritation. He just wanted to crawl into a hole and sleep for a year.

He had to shake his head, aggravating his headache, in order to get his mind to refocus.

"Okay, so there must be something in this room. But….you're all wrong about what it is."

"Would you shut up?"

"You're all sick and I'm fine….so whatever happened in here-"

"Shut up!" McKay slammed his hand down onto one of the consoles, his face flushed red with anger.

Sheppard stood deathly still, heart palpating nauseatingly, head swimming at the surrealness of his situation.

"I am trying to work."

Sheppard was leaning forward, hands reaching out blindly for support when they connected with a console. It immediately jumped to life, the room went bright white, temporarily blinding him and then there was a hum as everything burst to life.

"What have you done?"

McKay jumped up and bodily pushed Sheppard out of the way. With his hands disconnected the console lights dipped and darkened.

"What did you do?"

Sheppard was still trying to blink away the brightness that had seared his retinas. When the blur of light dissipated he could see that McKay was mimicking his same move, planting two hands down on the console and waiting. The bright light came on briefly but rather than remaining on, it turned itself off again.

"Did you see that?"

"How could I not?" Sheppard answered as he walked over to the console.

"You turned it on."

"It must be ancient."

"I have the gene, why isn't it working for me?"

McKay was hitting the console, slapping his hands down with exaggerated force.

"I don't know. Maybe it needs a more……….. powerful gene."

Sheppard went to press his hands onto the console again but McKay shrieked and took a step back, "No, it's mine."

It wasn't exactly the reaction Sheppard had had in mind.

"McKay, calm down."

"I can't………… let you have it." McKay was hysterical. "It's mine. I've worked too hard to let this go to you."

"Rodney, look….whatever it is, I'll….I'll let you have it."

He was fighting over something he hadn't even seen yet. If there even was _something_.

"No!"

"Mckay, you're acting crazy."

"Crazy!"

The gun was whipped out again and the safety unlatched.

"I'll show you crazy!"

Sheppard felt a wave of dizziness that had him leaning forward heavily and unwittingly activating the controls again. He sagged as he felt his stomach twist and knot and somewhere in the confusion McKay was tapping away at controls on the other side of the room and schematics were appearing before his eyes.

It showed a cylinder coming up from somewhere deep inside the lab. Something was rising upwards and that _something_ looked suspiciously like a-

"Rodney…." Sheppard swallowed down rising bile and started to point excitedly.

"Rodney? It's a ZPM!"

His excitement wasn't met and instead Mckay continued to drum commands into a console.

"Didn't you hear me? What are you doing?"

"If I can't have it then you're not."

"Rodney?"

"I've set this place to overload in four minutes."

"Overload? As in….explode?"

Sheppard felt a rush of panic.

"Rodney……turn it off."

McKay was being stubborn. His arms were crossed defiantly.

"No."

"Turn it off!"

"No…"

"Rodney!"

"No……..screw you!"

Sheppard was taken aback by the language. Sure, McKay could swear like a trooper at the best of times but never at him. Never _directly_ at him.

"_Lookit_, we _have_ a ZPM. It could be fully charged, a way to save Atlantis and you're being a complete jackass! Just turn it off!"

There was a flicker of something in McKay's eyes. _Recognition? An understanding of the seriousness of his actions? There was definitely something._

When Mckay answered there was a stammer in his voice.

"No….I can't anyway."

Shepard grabbed him either side of his face and tried to get him to connect with reality, "We _have_ to _turn_ it _off_."

Mckay twisted towards the door, "We need to get out of here."

"Rodney," Sheppard turned towards the console and the diagram was showing that the ZPM was closer to emerging. Close enough for him to grab it.

"I'm waiting for the ZPM."

"We have two and a half minutes Colonel."

"You can switch it off….I know you can."

Sheppard's voice was bordering on desperation. _How in the hell had his mission got so screwed?_

McKay shook his head and Sheppard realised that _this_ McKay wasn't afraid to die. And worse of all, he wasn't going to cooperate.

"Okay, fine. Get the door open, grab Teyla and Ronon and start running. I'll be right behind you." _Not that McKay cared anyway_, Sheppard reminded himself.

Sheppard moved over to the console and started to shuffle from one foot to another, hands open, good fingers clenching and unclenching, "Come on, come on, come on!"

He turned towards McKay.

"I told you to get the hell out of here. Now go!"

The door was open and Mckay started to move but stopped just as quickly, "Come on."

"No…..I need to wait and-"

"You're _not_ having it!"

Sheppard felt a pull on his arm and realised that McKay was tugging at him. Not out of some drive to rescue him but out of pure selfish motivation. He didn't want Sheppard to get his answers. His Noble Prize.

"Get out!"

"You're _not_ having it!"

McKay was like a man possessed. Before Sheppard could react McKay was digging his fingernails into his arm and drawing blood.

The sense of pressure was increasing, alarms were beginning to sound, consoles were beginning to flicker and the central platform was starting to smoke.

"I cannot believe you are destroying a perfectly good Z.P-"

McKay hit him across the face and sent him reeling backwards. His back connected with the sharp edge of a console and he felt a burst of pain up his spine.

"Come on! You have minutes……….less than a minute!"

McKay was gripping him by his t-shirt, hauling him forwards.

"Rodney….no!"

Sheppard was too tired to fight back and in the back of his mind he knew waiting was futile. It would only get him killed.

His eyes met McKay's and in that moment he felt defeated.

It was over.

Sheppard turned and watched as the ZPM came into view. He could so easily reach out for it.

"Rod-"

Too late. He was pulled from the room before he could make a stupid decision.

Sheppard was dragged, pushed and harangued forwards until they were running and waiting for the whole lab to go up.

The eventual explosion shook the trees, coloured the sky black and left them all toppling down a hill.

_Another __hill_, thought Sheppard

Once they were at the bottom, Sheppard managed to get upright and knelt beside the waters edge. He had only just drawn breath when somebody grabbed him roughly from behind and gave him a hard push into the water.

The hands that were grabbing him were numerous and he was finding it hard to fight the cumulative force of his team-mates.

His head was dunked under and he started to choke on the cold water.

"It's me!" he shouted.

He was futilely trying to drag in deep breathes of air, but one of his deep breathes coincided with another dip into the water. His throat was plugged with liquid, his lungs drowning and as he choked and coughed he heard Ronon shouting at him.

"You destroyed it!"

Sheppard tried to fight but found his limbs weighted down. Teyla had his other arm and McKay was busy keeping him immobile. He was completely helpless.

"Guys-"

His garbled response was cut off by a short sharp punch to his face and he was in the wet again, listening to the world, muted.

"It was mine!" he heard McKay cry out over the undercurrent.

"I….."

"And you had to destroy it!"

Water went down his throat…

"Guys..I…."

"It's all your fault!"

He couldn't breathe. He couldn't take in enough air.

"I'm going to kill you!"

That was Ronon's voice, but McKay and Teyla were shouting at him as well. God it hurt. Every muscle felt strained and heavy, he could taste blood, water was blurring his vision, he wanted to give up.

"I….." the words got stuck.

He relaxed into their hold, allowed himself to be pushed under again. Exhaustion was washing over him and lulling him into comfortable obscurity.

"You're dead Sheppard!"

The words sounded far away….barely reaching him.

Sheppard was immersed one final time, his lungs expanded, his chest throbbed mercilessly and then…………….

Darkness.

TBC………………………….


	9. Chapter 9

McKay's thoughts crystallised in an instant. The fog that had been smothering his thoughts lifted and _just_ like that his mind was awash with new found clarity. The insufferable, claustrophobic heat was also gone and replaced with……..he shivered and tried to reorient himself.

He was soaking wet, kneeling in mud next to a river and beside him Teyla and Ronon were looking equally drenched and confused.

"Wh…." He opened his mouth to speak and found his throat was red raw.

It felt as though he had been shouting. A lot. He rubbed at his neck and tried again.

"Ronon? Teyla?"

Ronon answered roughly, "I don't know McKay."

Blinking water out of his eyes and attempting the smallest of movements in his wet gear, McKay could see that Lorne was there, with two other marines and they were leaning over a prone figure.

He couldn't quite see who it was, but the marines were performing chest compressions, Lorne was shouting and the body was unmoving.

McKay could only see their legs. Large black military issue boots, Blue BDU's un-tucked, ripped and covered in dirt and blood. He could just make out their hands. Their fingers purple and mangled. On their wrist was a black band. Familiar.

Beyond that and there was a thick tuft of hair. It was spiked even though it was saturated with water.

"_Who_ is that?"

McKay turned to Ronon and Teyla again and realised they were missing a vital member of their team.

Lorne moved his elbow and McKay nearly threw up when he realised who the figure was.

"Sheppard?" The words escaped him quickly but he made no sound.

He was completely bewildered and all he could obsess on was how Sheppard had come to be in such a state. A memory assaulted him but it felt foreign, intangible, horrifying, unbelievable.

Lorne was sounding more and more panicked as he shouted orders to his marines.

"Is he breathing?"

"Is he?" Teyla asked suddenly.

The compressions were continued in eerie silence, the only sounds were the hard pumps inflected upon Sheppard's chest.

"Come on," McKay whispered as he rubbed his hands to warm them.

"Shit!" Lorne moved the marine out of the way and started to breathe for Sheppard, tipping his head back and breathing hard, "Anything?"

The marine giving CPR shook his head.

"Keep going," Lorne ordered and between pumps resumed breathing for his fallen CO.

One, two, three and breathe.

"How long has he been down?" Lorne asked.

"Six minutes Sir."

One, two, three and breathe.

"I'm not giving up just yet…….lets give him more time."

One, two, three and breathe.

"What's going on?" McKay called out, "What's going on?"

Ronon held a hand out to calm him.

"Let me help at least?"

Lorne shot him a look, "Stay back."

"Six minutes Major, he'll be suffering from hypoxia, his brain will have been starved of oxygen too long and-"

"I'm not giving up just yet. Just sit tight McKay!"

One, two, three and breathe.

"Stop being so stubborn and breathe Sheppard!" McKay muttered to himself.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, there was a coughing sound, choking and then the sounds of heaving as Sheppard rolled instinctively to vomit water.

Lorne jumped to action and was rubbing Sheppard's back as he attempted to get some much needed air.

McKay turned to see that Ronon and Teyla were frozen in place. Unsure. _They_ had done this. He was sure of it now. His memories were…….._real_.

Sheppard was intermittently groaning and coughing; Lorne was murmuring something to him and trying to get him to follow his finger.

"Is he okay?"

Lorne threw a glance over his shoulder, ignored him and went back to Sheppard.

"Major?"

Sheppard was clawing at the ground as he tried to breathe normally and managed to choke out some garbled response.

"Are you okay Sir?"

Sheppard moaned, "What…….?"

"We need to get him back to Atlantis," Lorne said.

McKay was looking towards them when Sheppard caught his eye. Normally Sheppard would make some remark, some easy quip to ease their tensions and let them know he was okay, but this time, he simply turned away, lay back and stared up at the sky.

"What happened?"

Lorne started to help Sheppard to his feet, "I don't know Rodney, why don't you tell me."

Sheppard was unsteady on his feet, swaying and pitching drunkenly. McKay was surprised to see that he was covered in cuts and bruises and that was blood running down the side of his face.

"Sir?"

Sheppard held out a hand to quiet his second in command and choked in another stuttering breath, "I'm fine Major….we'll talk about this when we get back to Atlantis."

He met McKay's gaze again with a neutral expression and grabbed onto Lorne's shoulder for support.

"There's some gear left up there that we need to retrieve."

"Already got it," Lorne informed him.

McKay could smell smoke in the air, he turned and saw that the trees behind them were near destroyed, all of their leaves were gone and they were charred black.

"We heard an explosion Sir, figured you'd be responsible."

"It wasn't me," Sheppard clarified with another pointed glare towards McKay.

"What was it?"

Sheppard visibly grimaced and stared up at the darkened sky, "Let's get the hell out of here. You'll find out soon enough."

-----------------

They walked back to the gate in silence and Teyla had the distinct impression that Lorne's marines were keeping a tight reign on them. Every time she attempted to slip past one to get to Sheppard, a heavy hand was thrust in front of her and she was instructed to stay behind. When she asked why, she was given some excuse about Sheppard wanting space.

She couldn't really remember what had happened, only bits and pieces, and that was why it confused her to be treated like they would usually treat prisoners.

McKay was hysterical and Ronon was utterly stoic. They hadn't said three words to each other since being ushered back to the gate. She decided it was time to break their silence.

"Do you remember anything?" she asked in a hushed voice.

Ronon didn't answer. McKay started to babble incoherently.

"Did we….." she watched as Sheppard nearly took a tumble and righted himself.

"I don't know," McKay answered, "I don't know what the hell is going on."

"Is Colonel Sheppard okay?"

"I….." McKay shrugged, "You know, we've been on this planet for nearly eleven hours and I can only remember an hour of that…everything feels…."

"Foggy," Teyla provided, "yes….I cannot remember very much."

The sound of someone hacking up a lung caught their attention and the group stopped abruptly. Lorne was standing beside Sheppard as he tried to catch his breath. Fragments of their conversation filtered through to them.

"Are you okay Sir?"

Sheppard wiped his mouth and spat, "I told you Major. I'm fine."

"You don't sound or look it. What the hell happened back there?"

Sheppard was rubbing at his face tiredly, shoulders bowed in defeat, "Not now."

"That explosion…"

"_Not_ now!"

"Sir, we found you lying on the ground…_dead_ and your team were just sitting by and doing nothing, I thi-"

"Major Lorne….please just…..." Colonel Sheppard sounded broken, "-not now. We'll talk later. I just want to get back to the gate so my team can get checked out."

"Okay…are you okay to carry on?"

"I'm good."

------------------

McKay was astounded to be cordoned away from everyone else by a wall of marines and soldiers when they stepped into the Gate room. All of their gear was lifted and even Teyla had a hair pin removed. It was plain weird.

Sheppard was instantly assaulted by a hundred questions from Caldwell and Elizabeth and he looked about ready to collapse.

"Colonel Sheppard," Caldwell walked over to him and regarded him with a friendly smile.

"Colonel Caldwell," Sheppard replied not meeting his eyes.

Sheppard looked…well…..embarrassed. He was avoiding answering questions at all costs.

"Good to have you back. I hear you had a few problems today?"

Sheppard nodded and didn't supply any more information. He was going to drop any second. He was listing to one side and McKay was mentally preparing himself for that inevitability.

"John, welcome home," Elizabeth said reaching out and touching Sheppard's arm.

Her eyes remained on him, counting every injury, and then she was looking over towards him, Teyla and Ronon. There was no warm smile, just a blank look.

"Can I get the hell out of here and have a shower?"

Sheppard was desperate to get away and McKay was starting to get that creeping feeling that it was their fault again.

"You can get a shower right after you've been checked over in the infirmary," Caldwell was now looking over at McKay. It was beginning to get unnerving.

"I don't _need_ to go to the infirmary."

"Colonel, you're barely standing and your-"

"It's all superficial."

"I'll let Doctor Beckett be the judge of that-"

"- I just need to get changed and I'll be fine," Sheppard had continued to speak over Caldwell.

"Major Lorne has already informed us that you weren't breathing when he found you."

McKay felt a pang of guilt.

"I'm breathing now!"

Sheppard's raised voice silenced the gate room.

"Colonel, I'm ordering you to go to the infirmary and then I want to find out what the hell happened out there."

McKay was about ready to snap, "_What_ is going on?"

He stepped forwards and there was panic. One of the marines hauled him backwards and Sheppard visibly flinched as Lorne stepped in front of him.

Caldwell ignored the commotion, "Where is your vest? Your weapons? IDC?"

"They were taken off me," Sheppard snapped back getting more and more agitated.

"By who?"

Sheppard was meeting his gaze again.  
"Can we do this later?"

"Very well…"

"Good," Sheppard went to walk off but Caldwell stopped him.

Lorne stepped in, "Might I also suggest we put the rest of your team into a holding cell for the moment and get-"

"No," Sheppard stiffened and reached out for his side.

Elizabeth looked confused, "Colonel? Major?"

Sheppard affirmed his command, "No, they can come and get checked out in the infirmary with me. Just send some men along with us, just in case. I think the worst of it is over."

McKay sighed. _The worst of what?_

--------------

Lorne and a team of marines escorted them to the infirmary. While Sheppard could walk there was no way that he was going to be transported on a gurney, so he was stubbornly forging ahead, hands on the wall to steady him.

McKay had never seen Sheppard in such a state before. He'd had a real number done on him. He suspected they had done it. Again, the memories felt like someone else's but they were definitely emerging quickly.

He kept sharing nervous glances with Ronon, who was shadowing Sheppard's every step.

Sheppard was walking under his own steam, only he was hunched over as if he was in pain and wouldn't let any of them take a look. Every time one of them touched him, he looked like he was about ready to bolt and his bouts of dizziness were slowing them considerably. Every few minutes, he would stop and sway, swallow back nausea and then shakily start to walk again.

Rodney looked over to Ronon and he was holding his hands out behind Sheppard as if he were escorting a toddler that was taking his first steps.

Sheppard was oblivious to the attention, seemingly lost in his own world.

Mckay fell back into step with Ronon, "He's going to be okay right?"

Ronon met his eyes briefly before reaching out and righting Sheppard when he stumbled on his own feet.

Usually the move wouldn't have warranted any reaction, but Sheppard retracted his arm as if he had been burned and hurriedly started to walk away from the rest of his team as two soldiers stepped into their path.

They arrived at the infirmary and Carson made a beeline straight for the Colonel.

"They said you were in a bit of state but I didn't believe it," he took Sheppard by his arm and guided him to a waiting bed.

McKay was hurried over to another bed, escorted again, by a big burly soldier and Ronon and Teyla were given the same treatment.

He looked up, just in time, to see Sheppard pull the privacy curtain.

-----------------

Carson couldn't ignore the air of tension in his infirmary. There was no mistaking it. Something had happened and Sheppard's team were undeniably divided.

He helped Sheppard sit on the bed and noted how exhausted the man looked.

"Lorne told me you were unconscious when he found you?"

Sheppard seemed distracted, haunted even and it took a while for his words to reach him.

"Yeah."

"And how did that happen?" Carson started to help the Colonel out of his wet clothes and handed him a pair or white scrubs to get changed into, "Get dried off and then I'll examine you."

Sheppard was slow to remove his clothes, clumsy and he was having trouble untying his laces because of his fingers.

"Colonel?"

Sheppard gave up on taking off his boots and allowed Carson to do it.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Carson used Sheppard's changing as an opportunity to catalogue his injuries.

His face was peppered with bruising, he had a particularly nasty contusion on his cheekbone and chin. He was sporting multiple cuts, two bleeding lacerations in his hairline and chin. His torso was black-and-blue and there was another colouration on his spine. His fingers on his left hand were probably dislocated and Sheppard's reactions were overall delayed.

He'd be running a lot of tests on the Colonel.

"Where's Rodney? He's usually in here…"

"No," Sheppard muttered quickly and went visibly rigid, "I don't want him in here."

Carson crossed his arms, "What happened out there? Usually I can't separate the two of you."

Sheppard laughed dryly, "What happened?"

The question amused him.

"Okay. I was told that they were potentially infected with something but nothing else."

"It wasn't biological…at least, I don't think it was. I think it had something to do with the gene."

"Okay, there's a start."

"Where are they?"

"Undergoing tests. Want to tell me about their symptoms?"

"They were feverish, confused, not themselves."

"And you weren't exposed to this?"

"I was…I mean…I think I was but I'm fine."

"Then how did all of this happen?"

"Like I said…they weren't themselves."

Carson felt his mouth drop open, "You mean…they did this to you."

Sheppard now dry and changed moved back up onto the bed and sighed, "Just examine me and get this over with. I want to sleep for about a week and forget this never happened."

"Okay Colonel….i'm just going to check on the others and then I'll come through and examine you."

------------------------

**TBC……………**

_**No evil cliff-hanger today but I'm sure there will be more :D**_


	10. Chapter 10

-------------------

He was concerned for his team mates. Of course he was. He just wasn't ready to see them yet. He didn't know how to reconcile what they had done. No, not done. He could handle the beatings. It was more what they had _said_ that had really troubled him.

He'd pushed them away again. Kept them at arm's length all the way back to the gate and right up until him sitting in the infirmary. He hadn't been able to speak to them. He didn't know what to say and he was grateful for Carson having moved them to another exam room.

Whatever had happened off-world seemed to stop the minute he came back from the dead.

It was a look McKay had given him. A look of complete horror. Guilt. His eyes were softer. All of them had changed, but he just didn't have the energy to face them.

He waited for Carson in the empty infirmary; he paced for a bit, although his aching muscles protested wildly, he plucked at the covers, fiddled with some of the medical equipment that was lying around, he whistled and hummed – anything to keep himself moving. Anything to keep from thinking.

"What are you doing out of bed?"

He was caught pacing back and forth like a caged animal.

"I got bored."

Carson huffed in a deep breath and molly-coddled him back over to his bed.

"You need to rest Colonel."

"I can't rest."

He could feel his eyes slipping closed, he could feel the pull of sleep and the ache of exhaustion, and he didn't know why he was denying it.

"Let's get you examined."

------------------

They had been moved to a closed off room for their examination and as much as McKay moaned and insulted staff, no-one was letting him out of the room and nobody would tell him how Sheppard was.

He dangled his feet over the edge of the bed, now freshly changed, and examined the bruising along his knuckles.

"I've got some of that too."

He looked up to see Ronon holding out his own hands and he could see that the skin was raw and bloodied.

"You know how we got that."

Ronon didn't answer. McKay didn't supply any more. They both knew Sheppard was wearing the bruising to prove it had been them.

"Are…..memories starting to-"

"Yeah."

Teyla nodded from across the room. There was a female soldier standing over her with a gun affixed to her chest. It was a completely surreal situation.

"I don't know why they're keeping us locked up in here. It's not like we deliberately…." McKay stalled his own words, "-Sheppard will be fine about this."

"We have broken his trust Doctor McKay. Would you be so forgiving?"

McKay was about to lie and say he'd be fine, but instead he went with, "So you do remember?"

Teyla looked away and bit her lip. There was shame written all over her face.

"He told me much of what I divulged in confidence and I used it against him."

"We all did," Ronon added.

"He's Sheppard. He'll get over this. He knows we didn't mean it."

"But the things I said," Teyla met his eyes and he could see that she was holding back tears, "I…..I really did think them. I just never had the courage to tell him."

"He's infuriating," McKay flexed his hands again and found his eyes drifting back to his knuckles, "He never tells us anything. It's just annoying."

"He's a private person," Ronon shot back.

"There's private and then there's Sheppard."

Mckay continued to kick his legs back and forth under the gurney. He had to see Sheppard. He couldn't just sit and wait any longer. He pushed himself off the bed and had only taken a few steps when a hand was planted onto his shoulder and a soldier was telling him to get back onto the bed.

"I want to see Sheppard."

"The Colonel is asleep."

"How do you know? He's probably in there now asking to see us."

"I've got my orders."

McKay was tired of being pushed around and reacted as such, "Well _your_ orders suck."

"They're the Colonels."

McKay opened and closed his mouth like a dying fish. The Soldier seemed to be enjoying tormenting him.

"Sheppard or Caldwell?"

"Sheppard."

"Oh…." McKay dropped his head.

-------------

Carson nearly collided with Elizabeth when he re-entered the infirmary. She was hovering by the door, uncharacteristically biting at one of her nails, and she immediately dropped her hand when she saw him.

"Carson."

"Elizabeth."

She followed him over to Sheppard's bed and saw that he was sleeping soundly, atop the covers, his face creased even in sleep.

"Well?"

Carson smiled kindly and escorted her away from Sheppard's bed, "I've examined the others."

"And?"

"No elevated temperature, no neurological anomalies and their blood work has come up clean. As far as I can tell, they're all fine."

"So do we know what happened yet?"

"The Colonel is reluctant to say anymore than they weren't themselves. I've examined him and he's comfortable for the minute. He's got a concussion so we're going to be waking him every two hours tonight. He's covered in bruising and cuts, but it's mostly superficial. There's nothing seriously wrong with him but he's going to be in a wee bit of pain for a while. They did a real number on him."

"So it was his team?" Elizabeth sighed and rubbed at her face, "I was hoping he was exaggerating."

"The Colonel doesn't exaggerate love," Carson supplied, "I'm going to keep in here for overnight observation and then I don't see why he can't go back to his quarters. I'm putting him on light duty for a few days so his body has a chance to heal."

"_This_ is a nightmare."

"Aye, it's not the most pleasant of situations."

They both silenced when Sheppard hitched his breath and mumbled something in his sleep.

"He hasn't asked how his team are, which is unusual for him."

"Well….I can't imagine what he must be going through."

"He's had a tough time of it that's for sure."

"I just hope he's going to be okay after this e-"

"_He's_ fine!"

They turned simultaneously and walked around the curtain to find Sheppard awake and rubbing at his eyes like a sleepy toddler.

"Sorry, did we wake you?" Elizabeth asked as she approached the foot of his bed.

Sheppard stretched carefully and answered moodily, "I figured it was time for another wake up call anyway."

"Yes, sorry about that," Carson muttered as he reached for his penlight and started to check his reactions.

"How are you feeling?"

"Bruised. Tired."

"I'm sure you are."

They were both waiting for him to ask about his team mates but he didn't. He just sat there, tolerating Carson's exam and that was more than worrying.

"Do you still have a headache?"

"I'm fine. You _could_ turn the lights down a little in here though."

"So I'll take that as a yes."

"Take it as a _yes_," Sheppard stated as he rubbed at his eyes with the heels of his hands. He grimaced as he remembered the bindings around his fingers.

"You should get some rest. I think Caldwell's going to want to have a chat with you."

"I'm sure he will."

"And…." Carson cleared his throat, "Rodney wants to come and talk to you."

"Tell him I'm asleep."

"John?"

"I don't want to talk to him just yet."

"Okay."

"You can give him this though….." Sheppard pulled an LSD from under his pillow and handed it to the Doctor, "I grabbed it before we left the lab, forgot about it till earlier. Give it to Rodney. It'll give him something to work on instead of pestering me."

----------------------------------------------

Carson was keeping them in for overnight observation and while Teyla and Ronon slept easily, McKay was lying awake and staring up at the ceiling. He'd spent the last five hours analyzing the tablet that Sheppard had managed to grab from the lab and the results were…..heartbreaking. He felt sick. There was no way he could sleep knowing what he knew.

He pulled the covers off, slipped out of bed silently and then tip toed towards the exit. There were no soldiers guarding their door and no nurses in sight either. He couldn't believe his luck, but then it was two o'clock in the morning.

He managed to get back into the main infirmary without being seen. He would have thought that the head scientist wandering the halls in nothing more than scrubs would have alerted more attention.

As he crept across to Sheppard's bed, he could see that Carson's door was pulled closed and the lights were off. It probably meant that the Doctor was asleep in there.

When he found the Colonel, he was curled up onto his side, one splinted hand dangling over the edge of the bed, his other tucked up under his chin.

"Psst."

McKay waited for him to stir and then after a surreptitious glance over his shoulder, he gave Sheppard's shoulder a prod.

"Wake up."

Sheppard grumbled something in his sleep, swatted a hand out angrily to bat whoever it was away and then rolled onto his back. He remained deathly still for a few seconds before sensing the presence and jolted upright, eyes snapping open, hand reaching out for something, anything. McKay guessed it was a soldier thing and that Sheppard was trying to find his hand gun.

McKay grabbed his wrist to calm him, but Sheppard retracted his hand quickly and ripped the covers off with a hiss of pain.

"Rodney!"

"Sorry, sorry!" McKay muttered, holding his hands out in a placating gesture, "I just couldn't sleep."

Sheppard was scooting to the edge of the bed, his face all hard lines and full of anger, "Go back to bed."

"I need to talk to you."

Sheppard looked away, seemed to be deciding his next move, and then tore out his IV line.

"What are you doing?"

Sheppard was already getting off the bed and standing unsteadily.

"If I'm not able to sleep in here then I'm going back to my quarters where I can lock the damn door."

"But-"

"No, Rodney….I'm…" Sheppard reached up and wiped his face.

McKay hadn't noticed how much he was sweating before, but now Sheppard was haloed by one of the infirmary lamps, he could see the sweat dripping down the side of his face.

"I can't talk to you right now. Ok?"

McKay continued to watch Sheppard. He looked flustered and he was continually licking his lips and swallowing.

"Are you okay?"

Sheppard laughed quietly, "No I'm not okay. I'm not _fine_. Just go back to bed."

"I'm sorry."

"I've had enough," Sheppard stalked off, wobbled on his feet and when McKay reached out to steady him; Sheppard pulled his arm back with a look of utter horror and cradled it to his chest.

"Get the hell off me!"

"You can't leave. Let me get Carson, you don't look too good."

Sheppard reached out for support, but then opted to just bend over and lean his hands on his knees. He was taking in deep breaths of air and gulping.

"It was a ZPM."

Sheppard looked up but remained in the same bent over position. He nodded.

"And I….." McKay felt his throat constrict, "I destroyed it. I remember…..sort of."

"Yes, you did."

"A ZPM."

"Yes."

"And…"

"Yes."

"Why do you keep looking at me like that? I'm fine now. We're fine. Carson gave us a clean bill of health."

"At least three of us do," Sheppard snapped.

"It wasn't us."

Sheppard suddenly pitched over and landed awkwardly on his knees. One hand went out for a bed and he managed to stay semi-upright by sheer force of will.

"I'll get Carson."

"No. You've done enough."

"Don't be an idiot Colonel."

Sheppard lowered himself into a sitting position, "Go back to bed. I'll be okay."

"She-"

"_Go_ Rodney. Before somebody finds you here. People are finding it hard enough to trust you as it at the moment. Just go back to bed and we'll deal with this tomorrow."

"I can't just leave you here."

Sheppard straightened for his benefit, "If you don't go, I'll crawl to my damn quarters just to get away from this conversation…so-"

"Fine," McKay headed for the door and tossed a looked over his shoulder, "But we _are_ going to talk about this."

And before he left he toppled an instrument tray over. It clattered to the ground noisily and a few seconds later, McKay heard a nurse rushing in and calling for Carson.

TBC ………………………..


	11. Chapter 11

McKay tip-toed towards his bed and heard somebody clear their throat just before he pulled the blanket back over his legs.

Busted.

"Doctor McKay, where have you been?"

McKay feigned confusion, quickly tugged at the blanket and offered an off the cuff explanation, "Uh….I don't know what you mean I was just uh…" and gave up half way through, "-okay, fine, I went to see Sheppard."

In the half lit infirmary Teyla sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest, "I was..…worried."

McKay felt strangely fond of Teyla at that moment. She was worried about him. Doctor McKay. Or perhaps she worried that he had suffered some relapse and had gone to finish Sheppard off.

"I didn't touch him."

Teyla smiled softly and asked her question, "How is he?"

With frustration building, McKay elbowed his pillow into a better shape, "Well…..Colonel Stubborn would rather collapse than talk to me, so-"

Teyla's feet were already touching the cool floor and her body language screamed panic.

"Forget it."

"I must see him. Check that he is okay."

"He's fine."

McKay was a little too used to blanketing Sheppard's every mood and motive with '_he's fine'_. One day, possibly sometime soon, Sheppard wouldn't be fine.

"Carson's dealing with him right now."

Teyla perched on the edge of her bed and ran a hand through her hair, "I am not surprised that he did not want to talk to you. What we said was…" she stopped talking and heaved in a weary breath.

"Well, we didn't me-"

From the next room there was the sound of shouting, something clanging to the ground and then a familiar brogue calling for assistance.

McKay turned towards the wall and waited for a few seconds.

"Do you hear that?"

Teyla nodded and took a few steps closer.

"Is that?"

It was definitely Sheppard shouting.

"Do you think he's okay?" Teyla asked.

"I'm sure it's nothing." McKay lied, ignoring the obvious shouts of annoyance from the other-side of the wall.

It had to be nothing because if it was _something_, then it would mean that they had actually broken Sheppard.

"I am……. worried about him."

"He'll sulk for a few days and then he'll want to forget it."

There was another shout, a few more voices and then………silence.

"I would not be so sure this time Rodney."

"Do you think he's okay in there?" McKay asked as he waited for further disruption.

Teyla was biting her lip with a worried expression.

"Come on, this is Sheppard. He knows it wasn't really us out there."

He had to keep talking. He had to divert attention away from what they had just heard.

"He's angry. Let him be angry."

McKay turned towards the lump in the next bed, "Insightful as ever I see."

Ronon got up onto one elbow and rubbed at his eyes, "Sheppard wants to be left alone."

"How do you know?"

"Because I do."

"But how?"

"Just do."

"Elaborate then."

"It's a….pride thing. You wouldn't understand."

"I would." But Mckay didn't.

Ronon crooked one eyebrow and lay back down.

Teyla was already getting back into her bed and tucking the covers under her feet.

"We will be able to talk to him tomorrow. After the meeting."

McKay watched her lie back and crossed his arms. He felt like a five year old who didn't want to go to bed yet.

"He's not going to talk to us. He's going to be weird for days."

"Go to sleep McKay."

"I'm not going to be able to sleep. Not now."

Ronon grunted and rolled over onto his side.

"Then stay awake and shut up."

--------------------------------

"Get off me!" Sheppard lashed out with his hand and felt it connect with a sturdy object. He wasn't sure what it was but it hurt his hand like hell.

"Colonel, you need to get back to bed."

"_Major, you need to get back into bed."_

"_I'm…fine!"_

"_Sir, you're anything but fine. There's nothing more that can be done."_

"_I need to see him."_

"_Holland is dead. You know that."_

"_But I left him."_

"_Yeah,….. because he was dead, Sir."_

"_I ran away and-"_

"Colonel!"

The voice was familiar, but garbled. It felt as though he was hearing everything through water. "Just get the hell away from me," he called out to no one in particular.

He was so insufferably hot. He pulled at his clothes and felt them give little resistance as they fixed to his skin. He started to pull the top upwards and over his head.

"You'll be giving the nurses a show Colonel if you continue to remove your clothes."

Sheppard gasped and tried to fan his face, "Hot."

_Like the desert._

He caught the words _fever_ and _possible infection_, but after that everything seemed to bleed together. He couldn't think. He just wanted to get away.

Under what seemed like impossible odds, he managed to get up, lock his knees and start to run.

_He was running again._

After only a few steps something slowed him down. A heavy hand, a familiar emotionless rumble….._Ronon…._ and then something punctured his arm and had him floating back down to the floor.

After that, all he saw was darkness.

-----------------------------------------

"_John….please don't do this, please…"_

_He continued to pack; slowly, deliberately methodical and he never looked up._

"_I can't believe you're doing this. Would you just….."_

_Fingers curled around his wrist._

"_Would you just stop packing for five minutes and hear me out?"_

_He moved, let her fingers fall away and drift back up to her face to rub at threatening to fall tears._

"_John, please, just think about what you're doing. You're __**ending**__ us. Two years of….of…great marriage and you're just going to throw it away?"_

_Her voice was cracking. He couldn't look up, even though every impulse in his body screamed at him. He knew he was being a heartless bastard, but he just couldn't stop packing._

"_You can't run away every time something doesn't go your way. You can't run away because people __**die**__ John. People die all the time."_

_Sheppard stopped, his hands hovering over one of his t-shirts. He heaved in a painful grieving breath and continued his monotonous packing._

"_I'll be leaving for Afghanistan tomorrow."_

_The words left his mouth and yet he felt as though he had never spoken. He swallowed past the lump in his throat._

_Sara was quiet, leaning up against the wall and covering her eyes, "Don't pretend you're going out there to serve John. We both know you're going out there to die."_

_Sheppard balled his hand up into his t-shirt and shoved it into his duffel bag. Enough of the military folding, he had to get out of there._

"_John, please don't go."_

_He took Sara's hand._

"_You're going to die out there."_

_He swiftly let go and watched her uncurl her fist to reveal his wedding ring. _

_He planted a fleeting kiss on her forehead and whispered, "You deserve better."_

"_John…" She gripped his arm and tried to tug him back, "John, please don't go, please. I love you. Please don't go, please John……-"_

"Please John, stop. You have to stay."

Sheppard opened his eyes and stared into the darkness. He was pervaded by a sense of unrelenting confusion. His vivid dream, _memory_, had been shattered.

He was hot, his skin slicked with sweat, his chest felt tight and constricted and there were hands on his wrists, pulling him down, calm words being whispered into the darkness.

"Please John. You must stay in bed."

The words reached him and he felt a rush of panic. He managed to pull out of their grip and push back against the wall.

"John."

The fog cleared enough for him to see Teyla standing in front of him, hands out in a peaceful gesture, concern etched her tanned features.

"I……." Sheppard used the bottom of his scrub top to wipe across his face, "I…was.."

"You were having a nightmare."

Sheppard regarded her uneasily and sank back. He felt on edge, uncomfortable and he just wanted her to go away. _Just_ until his tired, sluggish brain had managed more cognizant thoughts.

"I was worried about you."

Sheppard blinked and tried to coordinate his jumbled thoughts.

"I don't want to talk to you."

The words spilled out of his mouth before he had a chance to edit them and he clamped his eyes shut in disbelief at his tactlessness. He didn't even know who that was directed at. Teyla or Sara? "Teyla….I'm sorry."

"I understand."

Teyla edged backwards, "I will….leave you to your sleep."

"Teyla."

She stopped mid turn but didn't look back, "It…. wasn't us Colonel."

Sheppard stared after her long past she had left.

-------------------------

Sheppard awoke to find Colonel Caldwell standing at the foot of his bed and reading his medical chart. He was just debating the pro's and con's of going back to sleep when –

"I know you're awake Colonel."

Sheppard opened his eyes and grimaced as soon as he tried to move. Every muscle in his body seemed to have fused together in the night, leaving his joints stiff and aching, and he had an annoying headache which told of too little sleep.

"I heard you had quite a rough night."

"Been woken every few hours to have a light shone into my eyes isn't my idea of fun."

Caldwell pulled a chair over and sat down, back ramrod straight, hands resting on his knees.

"How are you feeling?"

"Apparently my fever's come down."

"Doctor Beckett mentioned he found you trying to make a break for it last night."

Sheppard smiled lethargically, "Must have been the fever."

They sat in uncomfortable silence with Sheppard trying to rearrange his pillows and Caldwell watching him like a hawk. A bug under a microscope didn't get as much attention.

"What happened out there Colonel?"

Sheppard wasn't in the mood to have that conversation yet. He hadn't cleared the cobwebs from his head, let alone really think about how he felt about the situation. All he wanted at that point was a shower and a few hours alone time.

"I wanted to get your side of the story before the formal debrief."

Sheppard reached out for the water next to his bed and set about gulping down a few mouthfuls before answering. _Why did formal debrief sound so…….formal?_

"We located a lab, the others got trapped inside and when we were walking back to the gate they started to act strange."

Caldwell leaned in closer, "That's the version you gave Elizabeth. And now I want the real story."

Sheppard didn't want to talk about it.

"I hear they're fine."

Caldwell managed to hide disappointment with disparagement, "Physically, yes."

"It wasn't...………their fault."

"Then why haven't you spoken to them yet?"

"I've been in here."

Caldwell sat back and brushed at invisible lint on his trousers, "We're having the debrief at 1700, that gives you enough time to shower and organise your rosta for the next week."

"That's it?"

Caldwell wasn't meeting his gaze.

"That's it. We'll go into more detail at the briefing."

"Sir, I don't know what else there is to say. My team weren't responsible for what happened."

"Maybe not, but the SGC are a little concerned. They're asking for an overhaul of protocol on off world missions."

"Are you saying this was my fault?"

"I'm not saying that either Colonel. We just need to pinpoint exactly what went wrong and how it can be avoided in future. It's not the first time you and your team have come across difficulty off-world."

"The situation was unavoidable and –"

"We'll discuss this later." Caldwell was up and out of his chair before he could respond.

------------------------

It was annoying enough that they still hadn't been able to return to their quarters, it was even more annoying that as soon as they were released from the infirmary, they were directed straight to Doctor Heightmeyer's office for a little chat.

"Sit down," Kate said as McKay, Teyla and Ronon entered her room with matching grimaces.

"What are we doing here?" McKay asked before the others or Kate had a chance to say anything more.

Heightmeyer didn't react to his tone. She merely opened a folder that was lying in front of her, picked up a pen and started drumming it on one of the open pages, "You know that this is a requirement Doctor, before you can return to duty."

"Well couldn't this wait till later? I haven't eaten. If my blood sugar levels plummet and I go into hypoglycaemic shock, I'm blaming you."

He crossed his arms and noted that Ronon and Teyla were already sitting compliantly and staring off out the window.

_Was he the only one that felt completely outraged?_

He wanted breakfast, he wanted a shower, to check on his lab and most importantly straighten everything out with Sheppard before the debrief. He wasn't in the mood to talk to his therapist about the why's and how's of a seriously FUBAR'ed mission.

"Shall we start at the beginning?"

------------------------

Sheppard had managed to escape the infirmary shortly after Caldwell had left. Beckett had given him some pain medication and a list of do's and don'ts for the next couple of days. Sheppard wasn't going to be running any marathons or missions in a while, that was for sure. Every muscle in his body hurt and spasmed every time he moved.

Back in the safety of his own room, he managed an awkward shower (Keeping his various stitches out of the water) and changed into a loose pair of bdu's and a black t-shirt. He raked a hand through his hair and slowly lowered himself down onto his bed. He sucked in a hiss of pain and shakily raised his hand to inspect his fingers. Every impulse in his body was screaming at him. His nerves felt frayed, his heart was pounding, he felt sick and dizzy and anxious. He'd never been in this position before. He felt hemmed in. His friends had betrayed him by using his past against him, a past he had never shared with anyone. He needed to get back onto solid ground with them but he didn't know how. He felt as though he could trust them but he didn't quite like the thought that they didn't really trust him.

Everything he had tried to forget, everything he had tried so hard to push away was back at the surface. And it was their fault.

Sheppard lay back onto his bed and closed his eyes, hoping that a brief nap would give him respite, but instead he could hear the sound of steady footsteps and raised voices coming his way. He knew, even before his door chimed, that it was the rest of his team. He'd learnt to be intuitive that way. It just kind of happened. They'd all turn up for food around the same time, walk in step, and gravitate towards each other as if there were some deeper, darker force at hand binding them as a team.

A bind that was severed yesterday.

He continued to lie in silence, labouring his breathing, until their footsteps and voices faded away.

TBC……………………


	12. Chapter 12

-------------------

Sheppard turned up to the meeting ten minutes before it was due to start. He leaned against the door as he waited for the others to turn up, attempting to reign in a grimace. Every part of him seemed to ache and he hated that it was a constant reminder that everything was fucked up.

He rubbed at his temples. His damn headache just wouldn't go away and he was in no mood to endure a debrief without having sufficiently thought through what he was going to say. No matter what had happened out there, he wasn't going to drop his team in it. No. It was his burden to bare. His problem to resolve.

He'd been standing there for a few minutes when the rest of his team turned up early. Teyla and Ronon went straight into the debriefing room, giving him nods as they passed, understanding of the space he required, whereas McKay decided to hover outside the door with him.

He was pacing back and forth and looking as though he was about to say something.

"Headache?"

Sheppard stopped rubbing the bridge of his nose, clenched his jaw and shook his head.

McKay shot him an accusatory look and continued, "Look…..I know you probably don't want to talk to me right now-"

"You're righ-"

"-and that's fine."

Sheppard rolled his eyes at being completely ignored.

"But we've spent the entire morning talking to Kate and……"

He segued away from one conversation and into another,

"-who thinks we're crazy by the way, which is just…" he shook his head and continued to pace, "We're _fine_. Carson has said so and this whole thing sucks. I mean we're not-"

Sheppard held up his hand to tell McKay to shut up but he forged ahead anyway.

"I'm sorry, okay, _there_ I said it. I'm sorry about what happened but it wasn't us. And my hand hurts so there's recompense for you."

Sheppard chuckled. Not in a _"you are supremely funny_" way, but a "_you don't know when to give up do you?"_ way.

"I mean…it was the lab. We weren't thinking straight. We never would have said those things to you."

_But you still thought them_, Sheppard wanted to add.

"So…you can sulk for a while and be weird but just remember. It wasn't us. It wasn't me."

McKay stopped talking and heaved in a deep breath. Sheppard just stared at him.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Aren't you going to say anything?"

Sheppard debated it. He really wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay. But at that point in time everything didn't feel okay. He didn't know why he was being so stubborn in forgiving him. He just needed a twenty four hour period, where he could be left alone to pull himself back together.

"_Say_ something."

"Just leave it," Sheppard warned quietly, "we'll talk after the meeting."

He tried to keep his tone genial and not tense and clipped.

"I don't want to talk _after_ the meeting. I want to talk _now_."

Sheppard clenched his jaw tighter.

"Well…….. I don't want to."

McKay took a step forward and Sheppard felt himself flinch. McKay wasn't going to hit him. He was fine now. And yet the impulse was still strong.

"I'm sorry."

Sheppard nodded, "I know."

"So?"

"So ………what?"

"Just…..leave it."

"Stop being………weird."

"I'm not being weird. I'm just standing here."

"And being weird."

"Rodney."

"No….I"

"Let. It. Go. Please."

"Not until you say we're okay."

"Rodney."

"Co-"

Sheppard felt himself snap, "We're not okay!"

He turned away, out of breath and exhausted and realised that Caldwell had been standing there watching him, as well as two official looking figures he didn't recognise. They pushed passed him and Mckay and stepped into the briefing room, giving him a disapproving look over their shoulders.

"Now who are they?...hmmmmm."

Sheppard gritted his teeth. His brain felt like it was melting out of his ears and he wanted to be sick.

"I know you don't want to talk, but I've been looking through the ancient database and I think I've found some information on that lab and it explains-"

Sheppard swallowed convulsively as McKay continued to babble on. He _wanted_ out.

"Are you okay?"

McKay was peering at him and invading his personal space to huge degrees. Sheppard staggered backwards and managed a weak nod.

"We'll be …….fine right?"

"Just……lets get this meeting out of the way."

"Sheppard?"

Sheppard couldn't bare it anymore. He wanted to get away from McKay. His Team mate. His friend. He also needed to get some air if he was about to consign himself to an hours worth of interrogation from Caldwell and the mysterious figures.

Instead of stepping into the briefing room he headed for the balcony.

"Where are you going?"

"To get some air," Sheppard threw over his shoulder, "I'll be in in a minute."

"But you're going to be late."

"I know."

_And I really don't care_, he mentally added.

---------------------------

_We've ruined the team_.

It was all McKay could think as he sat down in the debriefing room and scanned the table. Colonel Caldwell was sitting at the head of the table, Elizabeth was sitting to his right and on his left were two people he had never seen before. There was a tall, stocky man with thinning hair and a small, plump woman beside him. They both seemed to have notes laid out in front of them and a thick manila file.

McKay exchanged a swift confused glance with Teyla and Ronon and then started fiddling with the bandage on his knuckles.

Colonel Caldwell cleared his throat, "I'm sure Colonel Sheppard will be along shortly."

"He's getting some air," McKay answered quickly.

The short, plump woman adjusted her glasses and made a hmmmm sound, "Perhaps you should run along and get him."

_Run along? What was he? Sheppard's slave?_

"I'm…a…… Doctor Rodney McKay by the way, head of the Science department and you are?"

Caldwell leaned forward and acknowledged McKay with a dry smile, "This is Doctor King and this is Colonel Feldman."

McKay raised his eyebrows and wondered if he was supposed to know who they were.

"They've come down from the SGC."

"That intergalactic bridge is real impressive," Colonel Feldman noted.

"Yes well…..I designed it of course, "McKay pronounced.

"Of course," Feldman noted with a short sharp laugh.

McKay couldn't work out if he was mocking him and he found it intensely irritating.

"I'm sure John will be along in a minute," Elizabeth said looking nervously over at the door, "He's not usually late for meetings."

"I'm sure he isn't," King noted in a curt tone.

"Well, while we wait for the Colonel," Feldman expressed allowing himself to relax his posture, "How are you finding the Colonel's command?"

McKay didn't know what to say. It felt wrong to be discussing Sheppard when he wasn't in the room.

Ronon answered the question with his usual stoniness, "Fine."

"Define….._fine_?"

Ronon seemed confused and narrowed his eyes.

"He means Sheppard does an excellent job leading this expedition. He took my people in without knowing anything about us. He is very trusting." Teyla intervened with a pleasant smile.

"Took you in without knowing who you really were?" Feldman let the words roll over his tongue slowly and gave King a nod.

She started to write something down on an open pad.

"She doesn't mean it like _that_, "Mckay covered, realising how that sounded, "She _means_ he helped them when they were in tough times by bringing them through the gate."

"He bought them straight to Atlantis?"

"Well yes…but..-"

"My people are to be trusted."

"Exactly."

"But Colonel Sheppard still put the expedition at risk by bringing unknowns through the gate."

"We are Athosian." Teyla sounded insulted.

The door opened in a timely fashion and Sheppard walked into the room. He moved stiffly to one of the chairs, apologized for being late without looking it and slouched into one of the seats. He looked hot and flushed and not all that well but for all intents and purposes was putting on a straight face.

"Colonel Sheppard. Very kind of you to join us….eventually," King muttered.

Caldwell seemed to be stuck in the middle and he shot Elizabeth a look before introducing the two new members, "Colonel, this is Doctor Marie King and this is Colonel Andrew Feldman. They've come from the SGC to sit in on proceedings."

Sheppard visibly stiffened and started to slouch upwards, into a more military pose, "Sir, Doctor," he said.

"Are you okay John?"

Sheppard gave Elizabeth a strained smile, but didn't say any more.

"As you know Colonel, the SGC have become concerned with a few issues and we're here to try and get some insight as to why."

"That was….quick," Sheppard managed to say as he poured himself a glass of water.

His hands were shaking, Mckay noticed.

"Starting with your recent mission."

Sheppard placed his hands on the table in front of him, "Okay."

"So…let's start with MX496. What exactly happened?" Feldman started.

Sheppard looked over to McKay but didn't hold his gaze for long. He seemed to stare straight through him, as if he were deciding what to say or what not to say.

"Well….the mission was initially a bust. We were heading back to the gate when Doctor McKay got some strange readings on his scanner. We located a lab and went in to have a look around."

McKay didn't miss the fact he had called him Doctor McKay.

"You just…went in?" King interrupted as if it were the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. And what the hell qualifications did she have anyway.

McKay shot her a stony look.

Sheppard was making a concerted effort to bite his tongue. "Yes."

"Continue."

_Continue? _It felt like Sheppard was in court, defending himself before being prosecuted.

"Once we were inside, McKay started to run diagnostics. We were there for maybe three or four hours, it was getting close to our scheduled check in, so I decided to call it. We were about to head out when McKay activated something and I became trapped outside with them all trapped inside."

"Right," King was looking up and over her glasses and fixing Sheppard with a disproving look. She hadn't even heard the whole story yet and Mckay knew she was type of person that had already made up her mind.

_What were they doing here anyway?_

"What happened after that?"

"I tried to get in. I waited around, while McKay tried to solve the problem from the inside."

"You didn't go for back up?"

"I didn't feel it was required. We've been in plenty of situations like that and I never doubted McKay wouldn't get them out."

McKay felt a pang of……pride? He shook his head and met Sheppard's eyes again. This time he stared straight at him.

"So you just………..waited?"

Sheppard seemed to be gritting his teeth, "Yes."

"And what was in that lab?"

Mckay realised that they were talking to him now, "Well……." He tore his eyes away from Sheppard, "I was trying to get us out when I placed my hands on a central console and a white light came out of nowhere."

"It burst out of one of the consoles." Teyla added.

"I wanted to blast my way out of the room."

Sheppard gave Ronon a look and continued, "Anyway, McKay managed to get them out of there and on the way back to the gate…." Sheppard stopped talking abruptly and sighed, "they started to act…..strange."

"Define Strange?" Colonel Feldman jumped in.

"Strange, " Sheppard repeated.

He looked around the table and seemed to get embarrassed.

"Colonel."

"Look," McKay had finally had enough and he scraped his chair back, "It was my fault."

Sheppard sighed tiredly and waved a hand at Mckay, "Shut up Rodney, it wasn't anyone's fault."

McKay waited for Sheppard to continue.

"My team jumped me."

"Really?" King's eyes lit up.

"Yes…."

"And then what?"  
"They were out of character. Doing and saying things that they wouldn't normally do."

"What were they saying?"

"I don't think that's really relevant."

"Colonel Sheppard. Everything is relevant."

"They got personal."

What the hell was this woman's problem?  
"How?"

"Personal."

Sheppard was visibly squirming now and Mckay felt another stab of guilt.

"I'm not sure this is relevant Doctor King."

She shrugged, "So they were out of character. Doctor Beckett has already provided us with your medical notes. Colourful; reading to say the least and Doctor Weir has given us her account of when you finally reported back to Atlantis."

McKay didn't like the way she said finally.

"Why didn't you come through the gate?"

Sheppard seemed to be growing tired and his hands were starting to get a bit more animated, "Because my team _needed_ me. I didn't want to leave them and risk something happening to them."

"To your own detriment,"

"I don't care what happens to me. I was concerned for their welfare not mine."

"They need a team leader who is fit to do his job."

"I got out of there alive," Sheppard countered angrily.

"Perhaps you should have come back and got back up. That way you would have been able to end this whole fiasco a lot quicker."

"I did what I thought was right at the time. What's important is that we're….._okay_ now."

McKay decided it was time to intervene and he stood up.

"I destroyed it," Mckay said suddenly.

Sheppard slouched back and rested his forehead on his hand. Teyla seemed to look confused and Ronon looked thoroughly amused by the developments.

"I'm sorry, Doctor Mckay?" King asked in a calm voice.

"There was a ZPM in the lab," Sheppard provided and Elizabeth and Caldwell seemed to heave a gasp.

"And I destroyed it."

-------------------------------

So that was it. There _had_ been a ZPM. A real life, honest to god, tangible, could have saved the whole city and made it fly, ZPM and he had destroyed it.

McKay had tried to tell Sheppard earlier. What he had discovered. He had been perusing the Ancient database and found reference to other, very similar labs. Reports of strange reactions to a bright light that often resulted in death.

It turned out that the Ancients had been smart. They had set up outposts to house their spare ZPM's. Fearing the wraith or anyone who wasn't an ancient might get their hands on the precious resource; they planted a virus, so that any intruder would be infected, go nuts trying to resolve the problem and either kill each other or die trying to get to it. It also transpired that only a pure blood ancient would be able to get to the ZPM.

A pure blood, one in a billion, spiky haired, Colonel, ancient, like……Sheppard.

And they had tried to kill him.

McKay paced back and forth outside the conference room where Sheppard was still inside and talking to Doctor King, Colonel Feldman and Caldwell. He needed to talk to him.

"This is ridiculous," McKay muttered as he moved.

Ronon was leaning against one of the walls with his eyes closed and Teyla was sat on the top of the stairs.

"He's been in there for ages."

"You're going to wear a hole in the floor." Ronon noted dryly.

McKay stopped dead and checked his watch.

"What could they be talking about?"

Ronon shrugged, "I don't care."

"How can you _not_ care? They could be deciding the fate of our team at this very moment. Sheppard could be saying he wants to split us up and-"

"Doctor McKay, perhaps you should calm down before you injure yourself."

"Teyla, We've killed the team."

"Colonel Sheppard is a forgiving man. I have no doubt that he will trust us in time."

"When?"

"You must be patient."

"You might have noticed that patience isn't my strong suit."

The doors opened and Sheppard walked out looking for all the world as if he hadn't seen daylight in years.

He gave them all a look, shook his head tiredly and walked off without a word.

Mckay started to chase after him.

"Leave him, Teyla suggested.

McKay looked into the conference room and could see King and Feldman smiling at him.

"He's killed the team."

TBC……………..


	13. Chapter 13

His defences had been crumbled. The enemy, his own thoughts, were free and destroying him from the inside. Clever. They had snuck up on him, classic stealth tactics, and were delivering well aimed blows at the neat little box he had compartmentalised…..everything. It was strange. Usually he had an uncanny ability to just ignore and move on and not think too much about his past mistakes and misgivings, but somewhere along the line a floodgate had opened and everything that bothered him was spilling out beyond his control.

If he really thought about it, he knew his team, and what they had said had been beyond their control. Their thoughts had spilled out, just like his, only they had actually verbalised them. He was managing to keep them restrained within his own mind.

Sheppard cursed loudly, heaved in some oxygen, and continued to sprint along the eastern pier. He was running again, only this time, he was moving and not getting away from his problems. They were clinging to him like thick smoke that threatened to overcome him. Choke him.

Every step jarred his headache and eventually, when he could take it no longer, he came to an abrupt halt and leaned against one of the railings to catch his breath and swallow back the sour taste of bile.

He felt as though he was losing his mind. His team, the only solid thing he had ever known, had gone to hell, his command was in question, his mind was torturing him in graphic detail and the distance he had carefully cultivated was growing smaller and smaller. They were all close enough to see the cracks forming in his façade and he loathed it. Everything was wrong and off kilter.

He shouldn't be running. Carson had specifically told him to take it easy and he was deliberately defying him. Sure he was bruised and covered in cuts, but the scars were internal this time.

He watched the sea lapping around the base of Atlantis for a further minute before checking his watch. He cursed and started jogging back to civilisation. He had an appointment to keep.

-----------------

"What do you think they were talking about in there?" McKay asked as he watched Teyla and Ronon spar.

He'd never taken the time to come down and watch them before. He was always too busy with something or other, but he guessed a very small part of him was trying to keep the team together. They _were_ a man down after all. Sheppard. He was infuriating.

Ronon ducked out of Teyla's way and rolled his eyes, "Give it up, McKay."

"You don't think he's having us assigned to other teams do you? Because I really don't want to end up on the botanist rotation for the next year. Or with that Sanchez guy who's obsessed with cheese."

"Mckay," Ronon grabbed Teyla by her arm, landed a playful blow and then stepped backwards, "Cheese?"

"Yes cheese. It's all he talks about. He can't get _enough_ of the stuff apparently."

Teyla smiled and bowed out of her spar to reach for some water, "I am sure the Colonel is just tired. He is still recovering."

"Carson let him out of the infirmary. He's fine."

"Just leave him alone," Ronon forced.

"What,,,…, so he can have more time to grow weird. I haven't even seen him since that debriefing. He wasn't at dinner; no-one has seen him….. Don't you think that's odd?"

"He's probably trying to avoid you."

"Hardy ha ha Ronon. Very funny." McKay crossed his arms, "_He_ is definitely avoiding us."

Ronon regarded him with a serious expression, "Wouldn't you?"

"We all know what John is like Rodney. He's a difficult man to understand, but he will come around eventually."

"I'm getting tired of waiting for him to realise he's being a complete moron."

"Colonel Sheppard is _not_ a moron. He is merely…….." Teyla stopped to think of the word.

"Challenged? Infuriating? Emotionally detached? Idiotic?"

"Do you not think his behaviour proves he is emotionally attached?"

Ronon sat down beside McKay on the bench and wrapped his towel around his shoulders, "Leave him alone."

------------

Sheppard rolled the pen back and forth along the desk as casually as he could manage, resisting the urge to perform a lobotomy in front King and Feldman.

To further add to his misery, he was boiling hot, his jacket had been abandoned an hour ago, and he was growing tired of explaining himself. What were the circumstances leading up to Sumner's death? How did he feel about that? Why did he go against Doctor Weir's orders during the incident with the nanovirus? Etc etc etc.

It was never-ending, but for every situation at least, he had an explanation. He wasn't an idiot, regardless of what they thought. He did have some idea of what he was doing.

His nerves were frayed and he was doing everything he could to remain sitting and not run out the door.

_Run._

"So, Colonel Sheppard. We have reviewed your mission reports. Interesting reading to say the least," Feldman remarked leaning forward in his chair and smiling widely.

Feldman wasn't too bad. He wasn't here to make life difficult for him. He was out here out of curiosity. King however, took her high profile job way too seriously. She used to be military. Her tone expressed as much, but she had diversified into behavioural psychology in a bid to broaden both her knowledge and her understanding of the human mind. Sheppard didn't like that she was trying to understand his. Especially when he didn't even understand it at the moment.

Sheppard shrugged eventually, "That's the Pegasus galaxy for you."

King flicked through a data pad which was lying in front of her, "Yes, you seem to have done remarkably well considering the enormous odds you have faced here."

"I'd say," Feldman agreed.

"We realise that this wasn't the job you came here to do Colonel. I understand that being a leader can be stressful at the best of times. If you wanted to step down then we have plenty of candidates ready to step into the role."

Sheppard tried not to roll his eyes. Candidates, aka, Colonel Caldwell.

"Obviously, we're not trying to force you out. The jobs yours if you want it."

Sheppard released the pen and watched it roll away from him, "The jobs already mine."

"Yes, we know that. We're just saying. If you felt you weren't up to it-"

Sheppard licked his split lip, "Are you saying you're not happy with my performance?"

"We've had glowing reports from Colonel Everett, Caldwell and Doctor Weir. And you have the support of the SGC. I'm _inclined_ to agree with them. You may have made some…..questionable decisions but Atlantis is still standing. We're just giving you a choice."

Sheppard sat back. They were giving him the opportunity to relinquish command. Run away. He'd run away from everything uncomfortable in his life. Marriage, death, disapproval. They'd read his file, knew what he was about. He had to wonder if they expected him to stand down because he had a long history of it.

"I'm just curious," Sheppard said, "Why you would think I would want out."

King flashed Feldman a smile and tried to steer the conversation in a different direction.

"Are you happy with your team?"

----------------------------

Mckay was getting tired of Sheppard's evasiveness. He'd bumped into him coming out of the debriefing room after having more talks with Colonel Feldman and Doctor King and he had taken off before he could harass him. At dinner he had walked in, grabbed his meal and headed straight out again without giving any of them a look over.

Okay, so Sheppard _had_ looked tired and a little rattled. Sheppard never looked rattled. Even if they were on some backwater planet facing death with no way through the gate and no hope of getting away, Sheppard always looked effortlessly cool. But since coming back they had barely spoken to him and he hadn't made an attempt to seek them out to smooth over their obviously rocky relationship.

McKay had been told by Teyla and Ronon to leave him alone and to let him get over what was bothering him in his own time. They acted like they understood Sheppard, knew what he needed, but McKay knew deep down that Sheppard needed to be prodded and pestered until he finally started to act normal again. Sheppard didn't want attention. He didn't want Ronon and Teyla treating him differently and acting like he was wounded. No. Sheppard needed McKay to do his bit and irritate him into submission.

He opened Sheppard's door without waiting to be invited in and found Sheppard disposing of his tray on his night desk. The food was untouched and Sheppard was staring at it with a look of repugnance. The minute he sensed McKay's presence he looked up with a surprised expression and sighed.

"Not now Rodney." He sounded defeated. Sheppard _never_ sounded defeated.

McKay walked over to the food tray and picked up his jello dessert, "So this is how you've been avoiding me? Eating alone in your room." He paused, "Well, not so much eating but leaving it untouched. What's wrong with it?"

Sheppard sank down onto his bed and started to untie his boots, "Nothing. I just wasn't very hungry."

"Hmmmm…..you left all the best parts."

"What……all of it?"

McKay shot him a look and he noticed that Sheppard smiled slightly.

"So……… are we forgiven yet?" McKay asked as he plonked down into the seat next to the desk and started to dig away at the abandoned food.

Sheppard tugged at his boot and tossed it across the room, "We'll talk."

McKay licked his spoon and watched as Sheppard's other boot sailed across the room. He was leaning awkwardly, hissing and grouching as he moved. He looked like he hadn't slept in years.

"When?"

Step one. Ask annoying questions until Sheppard gets angry, insults him and gives in.

"When I'm ready."

Step two. Ask another annoying question, because step one didn't seem to be having the desired effect.

"When will you be ready?"

Sheppard looked up at him and gave him a weary glare. He looked all hot and flustered again.

Step three. Give up and whine.

"When?"

"When tomorrow is over."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Another……bad day."

"I heard you'd been talking with Colonel Jekyll and Doctor Hyde."

Sheppard grimaced again and rubbed at his face, "Very funny Rodney."

"Why are you spending so much time with them?"

"I like their company."

"You're getting us reassigned aren't you? Look I don't want to be on the cheese guys team."

Sheppard yanked his bed cover back, "Cheese guy?"

"Sanchez."

"Oh right. I'm not having you reassigned."

"Then why are you avoiding us?"

"I'm not avoiding you."

Sheppard slipped under the covers and rolled onto his side.

"And why are you going to bed?"

Sheppard palmed the light off and left McKay sitting in the dark, "Hey!"

"I'm tired, I feel crappy. I'm going to sleep."

"Are you sick?" McKay turned the light on again and walked over to Sheppard's bed.

"I'm just…." Sheppard groaned, "I'm just tired Rodney."

"And sick. I'm calling Carson."

"He already knows. I'm in bed under doctors orders."

"What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything."

"You went running or sparred or something didn't you?"

"I didn't……run," Sheppard lied "Now, go away."

"I haven't finished talking to you yet."

Sheppard pulled his covers up to his chin and ducked his head to seek out darkness.

"Fine then stay." The mumbled response came, "But I'm going to sleep."

"You're just being stubborn. Why cant you admit that what happened on that planet bothered you?"

And then Sheppard said something quite unexpected, It did."

McKay felt his mouth gape open, "Oh."

"But I'm fine. Honestly. Go away."

-----------------

Sheppard awoke in the middle of the night with such a start he knocked his glass of water off the bed side table. The glass rolled away to the other side of the room and disappeared under his desk.

He peeled off his covers and felt his back stick to his sheets when he sat up. He was covered in a thin sheen of sweat and was feeling distinctly off. Carson had taken his temperature earlier and there hadn't been any elevation. It seemed odd to him. How he could feel so crappy and not have any evidence to support it?

Something just didn't feel right. Something to do with what happened on that planet and what was now physically happening to him. His symptoms seemed oddly familiar.

He stayed perched on the edge of his bed, head bowed, eyes closed as he tried to co-ordinate his tired brain into action.

He pulled his earpiece out and tossed it back onto the bed. They'd talk. Just not right now.

He needed to wash his face, change into a dry t-shirt and get a good nights sleep. But that just seemed like an Everest like task. He was exhausted and even though his bathroom was a mere three steps away, he just couldn't seem to get himself going.

He hadn't noticed it before because he had been so immersed in his memories to realise he hadn't been feeling well ever since he stepped off that planet and had a suspicion as to why.

He reached for his earpiece, placed it snugly in his ear and activated it, "Teyla?"

There was a period of silence and then, "Colonel?"

"Sorry.." he rubbed at his face, "Did I wake you?"

"No, I was awake."

Her voice sounded horse and sleep filled. She was lying.

"I'll make this quick."

"What's wrong?"

"When you were off-world and…….."

He paused.

"John?"

Ah crap. He'd only worry her.

"Never mind. Go back to sleep."

TBC……………….


	14. Chapter 14

Teyla felt nervous as she stood outside Sheppard's room. She had been unable to sleep last night, pervaded by a sense of worry. Worry at Sheppard's mental health. Worried because she knew he was keeping something from her. Sheppard may value his distance but Teyla, whether he liked it or not, had become close to him. She could see through his mask. Tell something was wrong.

She squared her shoulders, flicked her hair back and pressed the bell to his room.

She hadn't expected him to answer, knowing he had had been in talks with Colonel Feldman and Doctor King for most of the morning, but the door opened and he was standing there with a look of surprise.

"Teyla?"

"John."

He glanced down at the floor and leaned in the doorway as if he were hiding something, "Uh, I was just on my way somewhere."

"I will not keep you long," Teyla said, trying to look over his shoulder.

In the darkness of the room, she could see his tactical vest lying on his bed with his pack. Her eyes drew downward and she realised that Sheppard had started wearing his calf holster again.

"What….." Sheppard moved to block her view, "What's up?"

"I was worried about you. After last night…"

"Oh that," he looked embarrassed, "That was nothing. Sorry I woke you."

Teyla smiled, "It did not sound like….nothing."

They stood in silence for a minute.

"John, is there something wrong? You seem….." she couldn't find the words to describe his actions and tailed off hoping he would understand her.

"I'm fine Teyla. I was just…" he looked over his shoulder guiltily, "I'm fine."

Teyla wondered why he was being so…evasive, so secretive and simply said, "I hope you can forgive us for what happened on that planet."

Sheppard swallowed visibly, "I really have to be somewhere right now," His hand brushed her shoulder, "We'll be fine."

Teyla wasn't quite so convinced. He was acting strangely.

The door swept closed and Teyla caught a glimpse of Sheppard reaching for his pack and vest.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not going off-world left a lot of time to stand around. Ronon and Teyla had passed the afternoon with another sparring session, had taken lunch together in the commissary and were now leaning against the railing of the balcony overlooking the Gateroom.

"Do you think Rodney is right?"

Ronon continued to stare down at passing personnel and shrugged.

"I do not believe John would hold this over us."

Ronon looked to her, "Sheppard has enough on his cup as it is."

Teyla restrained her smile and said, "I believe the phrase is…..enough on his dish."

Ronon scowled, "Whatever, cup, dish. Sheppard needs time. His own time."

"But, are you not concerned he will have us put onto other teams? Rodney may be right. He might be unable to forgive us."

"Whatever Sheppard does I'll go with."

Teyla leaned back, hands gripping the railing, "I do not know how you can be so……."

Ronon turned to her again and met her with serious eyes, "I _know_ Sheppard. He won't split up the te-"

Ronon's words were cut off by the sound of the gate alarm going off. Military personnel seemed to spill out from nowhere, securing the gate with their weapons.

After a few minutes, the gate shield was dispersed and a Lantien team started to emerge into the gateroom. Teyla couldn't believe it when she spotted Sheppard amongst them. He didn't notice them up on the balcony. He was tearing off his P90 with what seemed to be anger and exchanging a few heated words with Major Lorne.

"Sheppard," Teyla said with disappointment. And he _was_ on another team. Perhaps he had lied to her.

Ronon was leaning over the balcony and watching Sheppard and Lorne.

"We need to tell Rodney."

Before Ronon could stop her, Teyla was storming off. Ronon watched her go and listened to the conversation filtering up towards him.

"I know what I _saw_ Major."

"You were there Colonel. Are you suggesting Doctor Adamson is wrong?"

"I know what I saw. Are you telling me…" Sheppard stopped talking.

"Sir, perhaps you should go to the infirmary and get checked out?"

Ronon crouched down and waited for Sheppard's response. There was none. Sheppard shook his head, fixed Lorne with a glare and then shoved his way passed the other members of that team. He disappeared through one of the doorways.

Lorne looked up at Ronon, nodded and turned away.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When McKay walked into his lab, the last person he expected to see sitting on one of the stools, was Teyla. Usually it was Sheppard. Used to be.

Teyla jumped off the stool, "I think you are right,".

"I'm always right," McKay shot back with a smarmy smile, "But remind me. What am I right about this time?"

"About John."

McKay screwed up his face, "What about him?"

"Ronon and I saw him coming back from an Off-world mission-"

"What? How come he's been cleared for duty?"

Teyla held up her hand to quieten him, "- with another team.."

"What other team?"

"Does it matter?"

McKay set his coffee down angrily, "Well, that's just…..insulting."

"I went and saw him this morning. I think he was trying to hide it from me."

"I'm sure he was…..wait, you went and saw him? Did he say anything?"

Teyla shook her head.

McKay felt tense. Angry. Offended.

That's it!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

McKay marched through the halls and found Sheppard in the armoury stowing away his gear.

"Not reassigning the team huh?"

Sheppard stopped putting away his gear and threw him a look over his shoulder, "Not now."

McKay ignored the fact that Sheppard seemed to be vibrating with anger and continued regardless, "No _now_! I told you before I am _not_ working with the cheese guy or the botanists or any other _lower_ echelon team you _chose_ to hide me away on."

Sheppard didn't turn around. "What?"

"You're trying to break up the team."

"Don't be ridiculous," he sneered.

"Then don't break up our team!"

"I'm not."

McKay was beginning to get annoyed. Sheppard still had his back to him and was methodically taking off his gear.

"Would you stop unpacking for one second and listen to me?"

Sheppard's back stiffened as if the words had got to him somehow.

"Sheppard."

Sheppard stilled.

"Colonel!"

Sheppard ignored him and that's when McKay snapped. He gave him a shove in his back. Sheppard stumbled forwards, bumped into the shelving unit and one of the packing crates on the top shelf, plummeted down and cracked Sheppard on the shoulder.

Sheppard dropped to his knee, let out an expletive and rubbed at the tender spot on his shoulder.

McKay stepped forwards to help him, but he was pushed away.

"Mckay I haven't been trying to break up the team. I've been trying to hold it together."  
"By avoiding us!"

"Yes."

McKay sighed, "That just makes no sense."

Sheppard gritted his teeth and straightened up, kicking the crate with his boot.

"Feldman and King have been here reviewing my performance as commanding officer. They suggested the team split up after our last mission. I've just been trying to hold us together."

"_They_ want us to split up?"

"Yes and I told them I wasn't going to do it."

"But…." McKay watched Sheppard grimace and rub at his shoulder, "-you could have just said!"

"I just wanted to get through this _damn_ review. I didn't want to worry you."

"Well you did worry us!"

"Rodney, I wanted some space, that's all."

"Space?"

"Yes….space. The thing you have refused to give me over the last few days."

"Are you still angry?"

Sheppard looked at him.  
"I wasn't, but now you dislocated my shoulder, I hate you again."

"Sorry."

"I know."

"You know it wasn't us back on that planet right?"

"I know."

Sheppard leaned against the shelving unit and closed his eyes.

"Are we?"

One eye cracked open, "We're getting there."

"We need to get you to the infirmary."

"Just give me a second," Sheppard said sitting on the upturned crate.

"Why were you off world with another team?"

"I didn't know you were jealous."

Silence.

"I went back to the planet."

"What?"

"I just wanted to go back and check on something."

"Like what?"

"We'll talk about it later."

"You found something?"

Sheppard rubbed at his face, "No."

"What is it?"

Sheppard snapped, "Nothing. Just –"

"Sheppard?"

"Just leave it Rodney. For once, just leave it the hell alone!"

McKay couldn't help but think there was something off about Sheppard at that moment. There was a look in his eyes, his glassy eyes, that just seemed…weird. He couldn't quite put his finger on it.

"Let's get you to the infirmary."

Sheppard swallowed, wiped his face with the back of his sleeve and got up unsteadily.

To McKay's outstretched hand, Sheppard practically snarled, "I don't need any help."

McKay nodded and stepped aside so he could pass.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While Beckett looked at Sheppard's shoulder, the rest of the team huddled on the other side of the infirmary waiting for a diagnosis. Sheppard was acting even stranger. His words were uncharacteristically spite filled, he was irritable and speaking to Beckett as if he were the enemy.

"Would you stop prodding me!"

They heard him announce.

"Colonel, I am _trying_ to examine you. What's gotten into ye?"

"Nothing."

"You can't fool me. I know something's up."

"Just get me something for the pain so I can get the hell out of here."

The side curtain swooshed open and Beckett pulled it closed before joining the team.

"Well?" McKay asked anxiously.

"It's just bruised," Beckett said in a quiet voice, "I don't know what's wrong with him."

"I do."

They all turned at the voice and saw Major Lorne standing there with a group of marines.

"Oh look, it's new team Sheppard," McKay said loudly.

Lorne gave him a look, "You need to close off the infirmary Doc."

"Why?"

"Because we suspect Sheppard is suffering the same effects his team were."

"Is that Lorne?" The curtain was pulled back and Sheppard tilted his head, "You have it don't you!"

McKay was even more confused now, "He has what?"

Sheppard laughed and wiped at the sweat dripping down the side of his face. He wasn't looking all that well, "He knows."

Lorne gave his team a nod and they walked over to Sheppard to restrain him. Each man grabbed his arms and Sheppard tried to pull free.

"Now hang on a minute," Beckett said, "He's injured his shoulder and he doesn't need you holding him like-"

Beckett marched over to Sheppard and reached out to pull one of the marine's hands off him. Sheppard reacted like a feral animal and bucked under their grip, going for Beckett with a malicious look in his eyes.

Beckett took a shocked step backwards.

Sheppard tried to kick out at the marines holding him and they tugged him tighter.

"Get the hell off me!" Sheppard shouted angrily.

"As you know," Lorne said, meeting Teyla and Ronon's eyes, "We went back to that planet earlier."

"Why?" Teyla asked.

"Sheppard…" he said, "He wanted to go back. Said he had a theory. Anyway……"

"What theory?" McKay regarded Sheppard as he struggled and swore.

"Not now McKay. Anyway," he continued, "When we got to the destroyed lab, there was……"

"Don't you say it Major!" Sheppard shouted.

Lorne continued, "……….. no sign of there having _ever_ been a ZPM there."

"Don't lie Major! You know you took it!"

"We scanned the entire area and as you know Doctor McKay, if there had been a ZPM and an explosion then-"

"There would have been residual traces in the immediate environment," McKay sighed, "It's like radiation. It can hang around for years."

"So, it would seem that Colonel Sheppard was affected by the same thing you were."

"He was crazy too?" McKay rubbed at his face, "And there was no ZPM."

"He saw one because he wanted too," Teyla said sadly.

"It would appear so."

"But how?" McKay asked, "He's been fine."

Beckett's shoulders dropped, "Oh bloody hell."

"What?"

"The Colonel mentioned he'd feeling off ever since he came back. When I took his temperature and ran tests there was no sign of anything being wrong. Just like when you got back."

Sheppard cursed and they all looked over.

"His ATA gene," Beckett said, "It must have delayed the effects."

"But…" McKay couldn't work it out, "But the gene."

"Aye, I guess they don't make them like they used too. The gene must have buffered his response to it and only now is it taking hold."

"Well what do we do?" Teyla asked.

""I guess we wait. Rodney, your symptoms disappeared after the destruction of the lab right?"

"Yeah…. ancients! They took their damn ZPM and left the virus! Are we ever going to meet an ancient that isn't a complete id-"

"I guess we just wait for this to run it's course."

"Lorne! Give it back!"

"Sir, there was no ZPM."

"You took it before I got there, I'm not an-" he kicked at a marines leg, "Idiot!"

"Colonel, calm down before you do yourself an injury."

"I'll do you an injury if you don't get these men off me!"

"What now?"

"We're going to have to restrain him," Beckett said, "So he can't hurt himself or anyone else."

"Don't come near me," Sheppard warned.

"How do you want to do this Doc?" Lorne took a careful step forwards.

"Well……."

Beckett was cut off before he could continue. Sheppard somehow managed to ease free of the marines. He arched his elbow up and caught one marine in the face, kicked out at the other sending him sprawling back into an instrument tray and retrieved a fallen P90. He held it up, smiled and shook his head when he noticed Ronon and Lorne going for their own guns.

"Nuh uh," he said raising his splinted hand, "I don't think so."

"Colonel, put that down. You're not well," Beckett said.

Sheppard smiled and unlatched the safety, "Now, Major Lorne. I want you to bring me the ZPM you have stolen."

"Sir," Lorne began, "There was no…"

Sheppard aimed upwards, released one bullet into the ceiling, and resumed aiming at his team, "No, there was. Now, let's try this again," Sheppard rubbed at his face, distracted and wobbled uncertainly on his feet.

"Okay," McKay intervened stepping forwards, "Lorne will go and get it but you have to understand that-"

Sheppard lashed out before McKay could say anything more. Sheppard used the butt of the P90 to bash him in the face. McKay dropped to his knees, blood spurting from his nose, and sat their with a dazed expression.

"Rodney, just shut up! You never stop talking," Sheppard smiled and turned to Ronon and Teyla, "You find that? He just talks and talks and talks. No wonder we're always getting attacked off world. He gives away our position by talking crap all the time."

McKay looked up from the floor.

"Oh don't look at me like that Rodney," Sheppard blinked and swallowed unsteadily, "You know it's true."

"You're not thinking straight John," Teyla said helping McKay to his feet, "Look at what you're doing."

Sheppard noticed that one of the marines was rousing and gave him a hard kick to his sternum, "Think straight. I remember saying that to you not so long ago," he wiped at his forehead.

"We were unwell. Just as you are now."

"I'm fine," Sheppard provided, "I feel fine."

His aim had lowered, the gun was pointing away and Ronon took the opportunity while it was wide open. He raised his gun, set it to stun and fired.

Sheppard dropped his weapon, muttered out a "you bastard" and the then dropped tonelessly to the ground.

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Sheppard struggled with his bindings and felt the pull of pain in his shoulder. He didn't care. He wanted out. Wanted to get the ZPM!

His team were sitting around his bed. Traitors! Watching him as he pulled and tugged and writhed.

"Get me out of here," he said to Ronon.

"Come on," he looked at Teyla.

They gave him a sympathetic look but made no moves to help him.

"If you don't get me out of here I will have you reassigned."

He kicked at the railings.

"John, you must stay still."

"Lorne!" he called out, "Lorne!"

"He hasn't got the Zed pm, there never was one," McKay informed him.

"I'm not going to change," Sheppard mumbled, relaxing slightly.

"What is he on about now?"

"I have distance for a reason," Sheppard informed them.

McKay looked up from his laptop.

Sheppard laughed miserably and tried to pull at his restraints again. His wrists were red raw by now and bleeding in places but he couldn't feel it. He felt numb.

"You get too close," he muttered trying to get up and look at the door, look for Lorne, "And I'll run."

"Sheppard, maybe you should shut up before you say something you regret," Ronon advised from his chair.

"Get too close and I run," he repeated.

"We are…..close," Teyla informed him, "And you haven't run yet."

Sheppard met her eyes, "I want to. Had the chance to," he squirmed, "Didn't take it."

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When Sheppard woke in the middle of the night, tired, confused and aching, he realised he had limited memory of how he had come to be in his current position. He was restrained and in the darkness of the infirmary he could see that his team were sitting around him, sleeping softly.

He pulled at his wrist and sucked in a hiss pf pain when it was sore.

McKay stirred and opened his eyes.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"What happened?" Sheppard whispered so not to wake the others.

McKay crept over to his bed and crouched next to him, "How are you feeling? Do you want me to get Carson?"

Sheppard shook his head, "No, I could do with a pee though."

"Do I look like a nurse?"

"In this light…"

McKay looked over his shoulder. The light in Beckett's office was off, the nurses were resting and the soldiers were outside the door.

"Are you going to hit me if I let you go?"

Sheppard pulled a face, "Why would I hit you?"

He was genuinely confused and trying to re-piece memories was beginning to hurt his head.

"Because you've been nuttso all night."

"Have I?"

"You don't remember?"

Sheppard shrugged and cursed when his shoulder hurt, "I remember going off-world and.."

"And?"

"Nothing."

McKay's hand hovered over his restraints.

"Rodney."

"How can I trust you?" McKay whispered, "You could be lying and then when I let you go, you could snap my neck and-"

Sheppard chuckled dizzily, "Rodney, you talk too much. You know that?"

McKay was silent.

"What did I say?"

"Nothing."

McKay started to undo his restraints, "It'll come back to you."

When the restraints were off, McKay took a step backwards as if he thought Sheppard might be violent. Sheppard couldn't understand it. He'd never lash out at his own team.

He gingerly edged to the side of the bed and McKay helped him get upright. He was unsteady on his feet; the world was swimming slightly as they headed towards the bathroom.

Once inside, Mckay stood outside his cubicle as he took care of business.

"So what happened?" Sheppard asked.

"You were-"

Sheppard flushed the toilet and unintentionally cut McKay off. He opened the cubicle door, "Jesus!"

McKay guided him over to the wash basin silently.

"What happened to your face?"

McKay's eyes were both bruised and his nose was splinted.

"And you didn't notice this before?"

"I was too busy trying not to pass out before I reached the toilet. Who did that to you?" Sheppard's voice, he realised, was filled with anger. Because if he ever met the man responsible he'd kill them, "That looks painful."

"You did it," McKay said.

Sheppard dried his hands, "What?"

"You gave me panda eyes."

"Pandas have white around their eyes."

"Whatever. You hit me, happy?"

"No, why would I be? Rodney, what the hell happened?"

Sheppard leaned against the basin, feeling more and more weirded out.

"You were affected by the same virus the rest of us were, only because of your ATA gene, it didn't hit you until earlier today."

Sheppard swallowed and felt sick.

"And you knew you weren't well. Didn't you?"

Sheppard could remember that part, "I was trying to protect you."

"Good job," McKay muttered, prodding at his nose.

"Oh god, I didn't hurt anyone else did I?"

"You weren't yourself."

Sheppard leaned against the wall even heavier.

"Are we okay?"

McKay smiled, "I think we're even."

Sheppard sighed. He thought they probably were.

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McKay pulled a face every time he chewed, or swallowed or had a drink of coffee.

"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?" Sheppard asked as he plonked his tray down next to McKay's and nudged him in the shoulder.

McKay attempted a scowl but even that hurt.

Sheppard wasn't looking all that hot himself. He was still bruised and covered in healing cuts, his fingers were splinted up and he was looking a little less clammy than the night before.

"I told you I was sorry," Sheppard said taking a bit of his oatmeal.

"Hmmmm."

"You know, I still have your boot mark in my ribs," Sheppard said, holding his side and pulling a face, "Hurts like a bitch every time I sit or breathe,"

"Well………..I told you I was sorry about _that_."

"Hmmmm," Sheppard mumbled drinking his orange juice.

Teyla and Ronon joined them, Ronon dropping his tray and Teyla placing it carefully as they sat.

"Good morning John. You are looking better,"

"Yeah, well I'm free from the infirmary and King and Feldman have finally gone. I'd say that makes me feel pretty good."

"And you're staying?" McKay asked.

Sheppard nodded, "Turns out they want me to stay. They just wanted to make sure I wasn't going to……run off."

"Oh of course," McKay mocked, "Because Atlantis would fall apart without you."  
"That's what I said," Sheppard said.

"And you're not going Teyla asked.

Sheppard met her eyes, a serious expression on his face, and said, "Not ever."

McKay cleared his throat, "Well, enough of the…uh….sentimentality huh?"

He reached over to Sheppard's tray and picked up his coffee.

"Hey!" Sheppard slapped at his hand.

"You owe me!"

"We're even remember?"

McKay smiled.

"Don't do it," Ronon said.

"Rodney," Teyla warned.

"What?" Sheppard narrowed his eyes.

"Colonel, I never did tell you about that ZPM you saw did i?"

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_EPILOGUE_

Sheppard lazily walked through the field. His were team ahead of him, distant enough for him to really think about all that had happened over the last month. Not that he would ever admit it out loud, but their experience had brought the team closer. It wasn't a verbal closeness. They were just happy to exist as a unit. They hadn't asked him any awkward questions about his ex wife or about his past. He silently thanked them for that. Not so long ago he was about ready to snap. They'd let him pull himself together again. Rebuild the wall and compartmentalise. They'd allowed him his distance and maybe understood why he needed it.

No. Sheppard's grip tightened on his P90. He'd run from many things. He'd escaped his father and joined the Air Force, run from his wife to Afghanistan, left Afghanistan and the memories of Holland's death for Antarctica and when the opportunity to run away for good came, he arrived in Atlantis. He had _always_ runaway, avoided difficult situations, avoided talking.

It was weird, but he felt if he _wanted_ to talk to his team they were going to listen. He doubted he'd ever do it. Really open up. But they _were_ there.

No. Atlantis was his final stop. He wasn't running away this time. No way. And for the first time in his life, his team weren't running away from him either.

McKay sped passed him and screamed, "Run!"

Sheppard rolled his eyes. Nope, not running away anymore.

Ronon rushed passed, "Get moving Sheppard!"

"John!" Teyla shouted, "Run!"

Sheppard smiled. Nope. He wouldn't be running away anymore.

That was unless a hundred spear wielding crazy cannibals intent on devouring them were heading his way. Which they were……….

Sheppard about turned and ran.

This time _with_ his team.

The End

_A/N: Well thank you to all that read this story. I hope you enjoyed and that it wasn't too abrupt an ending. I have too many ideas in my head begging to be written and I figured there wasn't much else I could do__ with it. However, feel free to add your own tags to this. _

_Again, thanks so much for reading._


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